BDSM: Romancing the Dom – Part 1 – Where Are You?

As a submissive, you have your list of all those sterling qualities you want in your Dominant; both inner and outer qualities.  Now, the question is: “Where do I find him/her?”

Well, contrary to popular opinion, online dating or BDSM chat sites on the Internet are not hotbeds of Dominant-submissive real life relationships.  For one thing, you’re more likely to be hit on by the ever-present trolls who aren’t there to find “the One” and spent the rest of their lives with them.  And contrary to popular BDSM erotic romance novelettes, like those by Siren Publishers, the real world doesn’t really have an endless stream of sex clubs at which to find the uber-hunky Dom who can’t resist your innocent and inexperienced. submissive charms.

So, what’s a girl or boy to do?  Sorry, I’m not Cosmopolitan magazine and I don’t have an easy list of “50 Ways to Seduce Your Dom”.  Nor am I going to give advice for long-term, long-distance, cyber Master slavery that will keep you coming back for more.

This is real world.  Not fiction.  Not fantasy.  Let’s get that straight from the beginning.

Where will you find men who are confident, interesting, and probably dominant?  At their pursuits, of course.  And I don’t mean flogging wanna-bes at monthly BDSM munches or the Fetish Night at the Wolf’s Lair or whatever the local hangout is called.  No, your potential Dom might be seen piloting his own sailboat or kayak on a good day in the harbor.  Or musing from painting to painting at a local art gallery or museum exhibit opening.  He might be delivering a keynote presentation on his chosen subject at a conference.  He might be organizing a group of volunteers on a community improvement project.  He might show up at a free classical music concert.  He might be standing in front of you in line at a specialty grocery store.  In other words, you’re not likely to find him at the stereotypical BDSM places, but out in the world doing things that please him and he’ll look like he’s enjoying himself.

“But…” I can hear you saying. “how do I know if he’s a Dom if he’s not doing Dommy stuff?”

Here’s a clue.  He is exactly doing dominant stuff.  In fact, he is so dominant he doesn’t need to wear all the usual leather gear and carry a whip, a handy length of rope, and a well-thumbed copy of “Dominance for Dummies” in his hip pocket.  The key to spotting your potential Dominant is obvious.  Watch his manner and behavior, listen to his voice, check out his body language, notice his wardrobe and personal hygiene.  The same applies if you’re looking for a Dominant woman.  She moves and acts with purpose.  She doesn’t raise her voice to get attention nor does she need to hunt through a massive handbag to find the one item called for.  True dominants are organized, pay attention to how they present themselves in public, and never look confused or panic-stricken.

Oddly, true dominants rarely show up as dominants on the general public radar.  If you think most professional managers are truly dominant you’ve never seen them in a dither when a deadline is approaching or the word has come down from “upstairs” that an “inspection” is due.  If you think that master chef is the cool, confident maître, you haven’t seen him or her fly into a rage when someone spoils the sauce du jour.   True dominants are not the man or woman who in a crisis wince and flinch and wish mommy or daddy was around to save their asses.  Nor are they the ones that when the crap hits the fan gather up some scapegoat or minion to take the blame.  Because if that’s how they act in public, just imagine how they will behave with you in private.

Many submissives claim a degree of shyness, a lack of self-esteem, a life-confusion, doubts and questions that stop their every forward movement, inner and outer.  Submissiveness is their nature, they may say.  They’ll also say “I don’t know about any of those things: sailing or art or gourmet cooking at home or _______”

Did you think your prospective Dom was just going to drop by your place one night and whisk you away to Dreamland?

You have to put yourself in their  environment where you can be noticed.  You can be shy and quiet and subdued all you want, but you have to be there.  And you have to be patient.  Don’t be checking your cellphone every five minutes to make yourself seem “popular”.  Don’t fidget.  Appear self-composed even if butterflies are churning in your stomach.  Don’t let yourself be distracted by every flitting piece of blown litter.  Once spotted doing what they do, focus your attention on the prospective Dominant with glances, not stalker staring.  But seem interested.  Be interested.  True dominants are usually very aware of the world around them.  They will notice you and be watching you back.  That’s how it starts.