Archive for romance

BDSM: Romancing the Dom – Part 1 – Where Are You?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on June 10, 2012 by wmcutterblack

As a submissive, you have your list of all those sterling qualities you want in your Dominant; both inner and outer qualities.  Now, the question is: “Where do I find him/her?”

Well, contrary to popular opinion, online dating or BDSM chat sites on the Internet are not hotbeds of Dominant-submissive real life relationships.  For one thing, you’re more likely to be hit on by the ever-present trolls who aren’t there to find “the One” and spent the rest of their lives with them.  And contrary to popular BDSM erotic romance novelettes, like those by Siren Publishers, the real world doesn’t really have an endless stream of sex clubs at which to find the uber-hunky Dom who can’t resist your innocent and inexperienced. submissive charms.

So, what’s a girl or boy to do?  Sorry, I’m not Cosmopolitan magazine and I don’t have an easy list of “50 Ways to Seduce Your Dom”.  Nor am I going to give advice for long-term, long-distance, cyber Master slavery that will keep you coming back for more.

This is real world.  Not fiction.  Not fantasy.  Let’s get that straight from the beginning.

Where will you find men who are confident, interesting, and probably dominant?  At their pursuits, of course.  And I don’t mean flogging wanna-bes at monthly BDSM munches or the Fetish Night at the Wolf’s Lair or whatever the local hangout is called.  No, your potential Dom might be seen piloting his own sailboat or kayak on a good day in the harbor.  Or musing from painting to painting at a local art gallery or museum exhibit opening.  He might be delivering a keynote presentation on his chosen subject at a conference.  He might be organizing a group of volunteers on a community improvement project.  He might show up at a free classical music concert.  He might be standing in front of you in line at a specialty grocery store.  In other words, you’re not likely to find him at the stereotypical BDSM places, but out in the world doing things that please him and he’ll look like he’s enjoying himself.

“But…” I can hear you saying. “how do I know if he’s a Dom if he’s not doing Dommy stuff?”

Here’s a clue.  He is exactly doing dominant stuff.  In fact, he is so dominant he doesn’t need to wear all the usual leather gear and carry a whip, a handy length of rope, and a well-thumbed copy of “Dominance for Dummies” in his hip pocket.  The key to spotting your potential Dominant is obvious.  Watch his manner and behavior, listen to his voice, check out his body language, notice his wardrobe and personal hygiene.  The same applies if you’re looking for a Dominant woman.  She moves and acts with purpose.  She doesn’t raise her voice to get attention nor does she need to hunt through a massive handbag to find the one item called for.  True dominants are organized, pay attention to how they present themselves in public, and never look confused or panic-stricken.

Oddly, true dominants rarely show up as dominants on the general public radar.  If you think most professional managers are truly dominant you’ve never seen them in a dither when a deadline is approaching or the word has come down from “upstairs” that an “inspection” is due.  If you think that master chef is the cool, confident maître, you haven’t seen him or her fly into a rage when someone spoils the sauce du jour.   True dominants are not the man or woman who in a crisis wince and flinch and wish mommy or daddy was around to save their asses.  Nor are they the ones that when the crap hits the fan gather up some scapegoat or minion to take the blame.  Because if that’s how they act in public, just imagine how they will behave with you in private.

Many submissives claim a degree of shyness, a lack of self-esteem, a life-confusion, doubts and questions that stop their every forward movement, inner and outer.  Submissiveness is their nature, they may say.  They’ll also say “I don’t know about any of those things: sailing or art or gourmet cooking at home or _______”

Did you think your prospective Dom was just going to drop by your place one night and whisk you away to Dreamland?

You have to put yourself in their  environment where you can be noticed.  You can be shy and quiet and subdued all you want, but you have to be there.  And you have to be patient.  Don’t be checking your cellphone every five minutes to make yourself seem “popular”.  Don’t fidget.  Appear self-composed even if butterflies are churning in your stomach.  Don’t let yourself be distracted by every flitting piece of blown litter.  Once spotted doing what they do, focus your attention on the prospective Dominant with glances, not stalker staring.  But seem interested.  Be interested.  True dominants are usually very aware of the world around them.  They will notice you and be watching you back.  That’s how it starts.

 

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The Romance of Domination

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on May 3, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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For some in the D/s lifestyle, there seems little place for romance.  For many, the desire is for the practice and process and they may gain their greatest pleasures from the rope, the chain, the whip, the crop, the taking and giving.  That’s fine.  But it’s not all that can be in a D/s relationship.

These days of the hookup and the public or private scene, coupled with a certain cynicism and “modernism”, the whole idea, let alone, practice, of romance is missing.  Politeness is replaced with protocol.  Respect is demanded, not earned.  The kiss and the caress removed to substitute the nipple clamp and the spank.  Which, to my mind- being very old school- is a shame.

I have said elsewhere that one of the things I believe is that a Dominant man should conduct himself as a gentleman with all that that implies of good manners, emotional control (except in the throes of deep passion, of course), a steady and reliable demeanor, and a decent fashion sense.  Respect for himself and his bearing (without arrogance) prompts respect for others, and specifically his submissive.  Except in situations when she desires it, it’s not seemly to treat your submissive like a whore or chattel.  It does not lessen your dominance to act like a gentleman.  In fact, it increases it.  Opening the door for her, pulling out her chair at table, compliments, and the thousand little actions of good manners display the Dominant’s control in pleasing and public ways. 

Such gentlemanly (and ladylike for the submissive) behavior in public and private reenforces their mutual respect and respect is one of the cornerstones promoting romance.  I’m not here talking about the pseudo-Victorian manners in which PDAs (Public Display of Affection) were frowned upon by  repressive society.  When was the last time, you saw a Dom and his submissive hand-in-hand?  Do you, as a Dominant, permit your submissive kisses that aren’t “only by permission” or “ordered”?  Does your heartbeat quicken when you see your submissive or only when you pick up the crop?  Does romance or even love play a part in your relationship dynamic or are you, the Dominant or submissive, only “in love” with the fetish or the practice?  If so, then, whatever your particular penchant may be for, you’re only there for the action or the selfishness of your own pleasure in performing it, not the person on whom you practice it.

Of course, relationships are difficult, and perhaps, more so when romance is involved as well.  The considerations change, but so does the depth of the pleasure.  I suggest trying it out and seeing if your pleasures don’t increase immeasurably.  Put a little (or a lot of) romance in your dynamic.  The rewards may astound you.