Archive for submission

BDSM: Romancing the Dom – Part 1 – Where Are You?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on June 10, 2012 by wmcutterblack

As a submissive, you have your list of all those sterling qualities you want in your Dominant; both inner and outer qualities.  Now, the question is: “Where do I find him/her?”

Well, contrary to popular opinion, online dating or BDSM chat sites on the Internet are not hotbeds of Dominant-submissive real life relationships.  For one thing, you’re more likely to be hit on by the ever-present trolls who aren’t there to find “the One” and spent the rest of their lives with them.  And contrary to popular BDSM erotic romance novelettes, like those by Siren Publishers, the real world doesn’t really have an endless stream of sex clubs at which to find the uber-hunky Dom who can’t resist your innocent and inexperienced. submissive charms.

So, what’s a girl or boy to do?  Sorry, I’m not Cosmopolitan magazine and I don’t have an easy list of “50 Ways to Seduce Your Dom”.  Nor am I going to give advice for long-term, long-distance, cyber Master slavery that will keep you coming back for more.

This is real world.  Not fiction.  Not fantasy.  Let’s get that straight from the beginning.

Where will you find men who are confident, interesting, and probably dominant?  At their pursuits, of course.  And I don’t mean flogging wanna-bes at monthly BDSM munches or the Fetish Night at the Wolf’s Lair or whatever the local hangout is called.  No, your potential Dom might be seen piloting his own sailboat or kayak on a good day in the harbor.  Or musing from painting to painting at a local art gallery or museum exhibit opening.  He might be delivering a keynote presentation on his chosen subject at a conference.  He might be organizing a group of volunteers on a community improvement project.  He might show up at a free classical music concert.  He might be standing in front of you in line at a specialty grocery store.  In other words, you’re not likely to find him at the stereotypical BDSM places, but out in the world doing things that please him and he’ll look like he’s enjoying himself.

“But…” I can hear you saying. “how do I know if he’s a Dom if he’s not doing Dommy stuff?”

Here’s a clue.  He is exactly doing dominant stuff.  In fact, he is so dominant he doesn’t need to wear all the usual leather gear and carry a whip, a handy length of rope, and a well-thumbed copy of “Dominance for Dummies” in his hip pocket.  The key to spotting your potential Dominant is obvious.  Watch his manner and behavior, listen to his voice, check out his body language, notice his wardrobe and personal hygiene.  The same applies if you’re looking for a Dominant woman.  She moves and acts with purpose.  She doesn’t raise her voice to get attention nor does she need to hunt through a massive handbag to find the one item called for.  True dominants are organized, pay attention to how they present themselves in public, and never look confused or panic-stricken.

Oddly, true dominants rarely show up as dominants on the general public radar.  If you think most professional managers are truly dominant you’ve never seen them in a dither when a deadline is approaching or the word has come down from “upstairs” that an “inspection” is due.  If you think that master chef is the cool, confident maître, you haven’t seen him or her fly into a rage when someone spoils the sauce du jour.   True dominants are not the man or woman who in a crisis wince and flinch and wish mommy or daddy was around to save their asses.  Nor are they the ones that when the crap hits the fan gather up some scapegoat or minion to take the blame.  Because if that’s how they act in public, just imagine how they will behave with you in private.

Many submissives claim a degree of shyness, a lack of self-esteem, a life-confusion, doubts and questions that stop their every forward movement, inner and outer.  Submissiveness is their nature, they may say.  They’ll also say “I don’t know about any of those things: sailing or art or gourmet cooking at home or _______”

Did you think your prospective Dom was just going to drop by your place one night and whisk you away to Dreamland?

You have to put yourself in their  environment where you can be noticed.  You can be shy and quiet and subdued all you want, but you have to be there.  And you have to be patient.  Don’t be checking your cellphone every five minutes to make yourself seem “popular”.  Don’t fidget.  Appear self-composed even if butterflies are churning in your stomach.  Don’t let yourself be distracted by every flitting piece of blown litter.  Once spotted doing what they do, focus your attention on the prospective Dominant with glances, not stalker staring.  But seem interested.  Be interested.  True dominants are usually very aware of the world around them.  They will notice you and be watching you back.  That’s how it starts.

 

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BDSM: Some Assembly Required

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on June 6, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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No matter whether you are top or bottom, Dominant, submissive, switch, or all of the above, don’t you sometimes feel as if your relationship is being put together using a confusing set of instructions like something from IKEA?  Like that bookcase or table that seems to be missing a piece or two?  It looks all right mostly, but you’re still not confident to put anything heavy on it yet?

No relationship comes ready-made.  They are all and every one a custom job, and it’s easy to think of them as being constructed from a kit with “some assembly required”.

Even if you’re not currently in a relationship, you may find yourself imagining one in which the potential “parts” need some extra finishing touches to comfortably fit together into something whole and practical.  You may also find the instructions are confusing, as if written in a language you aren’t fluent in.  And that’s okay, because the important thing is that you are building it yourself.

If you are in a relationship or not, it’s important to think of the “project” like a craftsman approaches an object to be used and admired.  To look at what you expect the completed project to be like, and then think of the individual pieces you will need, the tools, and the way you want it all to come together.

Sometimes we get both impatient and unrealistic in what we are making with a relationship.  The more the relationship will be “used”, as in a 24/7 kind, obviously the more sturdy and reliable it must be made to be.  The casual hookup or scene can be a little like those styrafoam cups for coffee, used and discarded before it crumples, but the longer term relationship is more like your favorite fired-clay, hand-crafted mug that you return to every morning or evening for a satisfying drink of tea or coffee.  The very feel of it should be comfortable and comforting, the roundness, the strength of the handle, no tell-tale cracks on the surface.

Like anything, once the basic construction is in place, you may begin to think of some fancy additions.  Bits of ornament here, a little embellishment there, just to add the marks of your personal style, and to make it more uniquely yours to enjoy.

What this means in terms of relationship dynamics will often be quite personal.  This is where the original list of “parts” will come in handy and you should – from time to time – look it over to make sure they are all included and still available for “assembly”.  For example, couples with children will have to factor in “personal time” as different from “family time.”  Your relationship “parts” may include special needs, allowances for maintenance and repair, and even replacement of parts that are no longer workable and supportive.

That support will be important, the more “load-bearing” the relationship will become.  One of the challenges facing new relationships, for example, is that each partner will have brought some unrealistic expectations to the project.  The submissive, say, who expects it to be all prancing unicorns and Prince Charming as Dominant, and the newbie Dominant who expects it to be 24/7 blowjobs and no responsibility will have to adjust to the realities of a working relationship where the dynamics can be radically different from the fantasy.

Again, this is where that list of parts plays a significant role in whether the project stands up to hard use or collapses.  There can be few things as shocking and devastating for a submissive than to prepare to kneel and find the floor falling out from under her knees.  Or the Dominant who expects absolute obedience and finds instead a bratty sub who is acting out her frustrations.  We cannot simply presume “it will all come together somehow in the end”.

The basic tools of your relationship, most agree, are trust and strong communication.  I would add passion and compassion,  mature responsibility, and a willingness to commit to the highest ideals and satisfaction to the list.  The individualistc choices for the relationship, such as spanking or no-spanking, bondage or no-bondage, and so forth can be worked out either beforehand or as the relationship deepens and grows  once the basics are in place.  Many relationships can be seen like a DIY home the two are constructing together.  Need an extra “shelf” here or there?  Make sure the walls will support it steadily.  Want to re-do the kitchen?  Make sure you both agree on a color you can live with.

Most of us – no matter what the particulars of a relationship are – will discover that equitable compromises may have to be made, but if the basic construction is solid that can be done with as little emotional upset as possible.  The tools of commitment and communication can make these compromises as easy as changing a lightbulb.

Assembling a relationship can seem daunting, confusing, and scary, but with your list of “parts”, a basic toolkit, and a desired goal in mind, you can do this.  I believe in you.  So should you.

Domination is Leading the Dance

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 24, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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It’s really no wonder that newbie Dominants seem confused as to what they ought to be doing.  In a way, they are hoisted on their petard, as the saying used to be.  The three main (and extreme) influences on them are:

 Misleading porn vids and photos grabbed in a rush on their iPhones

Post-feminist, post-New Age sensitivity quotes

“How to Score with Women While Remaining a Douchebag” advice column soundbites

 Just a hint: none of the above will prepare you for actually living and acting like a respected, desired Dominant. 

In older times, there were social traditions and activities which naturally bred the quality of dominance, but that was then and this is now.  That said, Dominants can learn through analogies of some of these more traditional methods and styles.

 The image accompanying this post typifies the relationship dynamic of the tango.  The man strongly leads in the dance and the sultry woman follows his cues.   Yes, people used to dance that way, actually holding each other and not moving separately to the beat of their own private drummer.  I could hardly recommend a better example of how the dynamic of a D/s relationship works best than to point to ballroom dancing.  Whether it’s the fiery and passionate tango or the more sophisticated, but equally seductive quick-step waltz, ballroom dancing epitomizes the in-tandem behavior so desired in a good working D/s relationship.  The Dominant partner leads, the submissive one follows.  Easy, right?

 Beginners at ballroom dancing often feel clumsy and awkward, unsure where to step next, where to put their hands and arms, and resisting the urge to just flail about as they might at some rave or dance club.

Flail-dancing lacks the grace and style of a smooth coupled movement.   It’s a grind, not a grounded glide.  It’s a lap dance while the one who should be leading the dance just sits on his chair and takes it.  It’s a pole dance where the eager “other participant” just waves money.  It’s fake porn actress sex and sweaty cheezy guy versus Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly whirling and twirling whomever their particular dancing partner across the floor.  Get the picture?

 Now you don’t have to always wear a tuxedo and have the suave manner of a gentleman to be a good Dominant.  But that portion of the Dominant’s mental self-image mirror should reflect some aspect of that kind of control over the relationship dance.  Clasp your submissive’s fingers, entwine them with your own, place your other hand at the small of their back, just above the buttocks – now urge them to follow you, to trust your sense of direction, rhythm, and pace.

Of course, the submissive can – in this way – sense your strength, confidence, and that you have not just purpose but a vision of where you’re going next.  One of the most common “I need advice” questions voiced by new Dominants is “What do I do next?”.  Because they are basing their concept of dominance on quick porn flashes of scenes, they seem to have difficulty even stringing together these “bits” into a coherent wholeness.  They are trying to apply fast-food ideas to a philosophy and lifestyle.  It defeats the whole dynamic of a D/s relationship to say “I’m going to take you” and follow it up with “Do you want fries with that?”

 Poise with passion.  Smooth transitions with decisive grace.  Firm actions that leave no room for doubt or confusion.  These are qualities a Dominant can attain and perform.  But they must come from inside the mind in cooperation with their feelings.  The more you practice, the more natural they become until they are just instinct.  Lead the dance.

BDSM: The Other Bondage

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on May 23, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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Bondage has two similar meanings and yet we rarely talk about the other bondage that takes place in a relationship.  Mostly, especially in BDSM dynamics, we think of bondage as tying someone up or down or the use of some other form of restraint.  This exterior bondage forms a strong part of the expressed imagery of D/s.  Restraint can be erotic.  Symbolically it means a submissive is physically under the control of the Dominant and has the trust that she will not be abused in that condition.

 The other meaning of bondage is less visible.  Like its counterpart, it means binding or bonding, but by it, we mean instead the emotional bondage that is also a strong part, if not the strongest part, of the relationship dynamic.  This type of bondage may express itself right from the beginning of the relationship or develop through the actions of the partners.  Unlike physical bondage, this emotional form usually increases in strength the more time the partners spend together.  Symbolically, the more time invested, the stronger and more lasting this bondage grows.

 Routine protocols can reinforce this kind of bondage through sheer repetition.  The Dominant and submissive bond through the dynamic processes of the relationship.  While displays of affection will vary from relationship to relationship, nevertheless, they are the outward expressions of strong passions and emotional attachment between the partners.  Even simple gestures like the kneeling of the submissive and the Dominant’s caress of the submissive’s cheek or hair result in a stronger emotional  bondage between the two, but the impact can be lost by thinking of these gestures just in terms of established protocol.

Emotional bondage or bonding is a continual process throughout the relationship, no matter how it is expressed.  By arranging situations where the bonding strengthens, both partners demonstrate their commitment.   When a submissive, for example, writes a daily journal, diary entry, or report for her Dominant, she connects through that other form of bondage in ways the rope tying or restraint cannot.  While Dominants often seem not to express the inner emotional bondage, they, too, demonstrate it by their concern, attention, care, and the particular dynamic they choose in the relationship, whether it be protective, sexual passion, emphasizing ownership, or some other form of expression.

 Creating personalized rituals such as oaths of surrender and ownership again show this other kind of bondage at work.  When the Dominant asks “To whom do you belong?” a powerful bonding message is sent to the submissive, just as when she answers “I belong to you.”  It can be seen that such rituals and protocols can be simple or more complex, such as when other symbolic elements are added.  Candlelight, incense, ambient lighting, particular clothing (or lack of), fetish items, “mood” music, and so forth can add to the performance of the ritual and enhance the feelings of the bonding itself.

 Examine the rituals and protocols, the gestures, and other outward expressions of your own relationship dynamics to see where this inner and shared bondage is taking place.  It may surprise you how tightly you are bound to each other.

BDSM: The Three Ns

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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Nature, need, and nurture are three invisible Ns hidden within the BDSM lifestyle and relationships.

 It is in the very nature, engrained in the personality and psyche of individuals, whether they are, generally speaking,  dominant or submissive.  They can resist it, for whatever reason, but only seem to find happiness and fulfillment through expressing and living the quality of either dominance or submission.   This nature of the individual drives and supports the second N: need.

 The need to express one quality or the other is inescapable for people in the lifestyle.  And it is best expressed through actions, behaviors,  thoughts, feelings, and communication with and to other people.

When this need is recognized and fulfilled, satisfied, we say the person receives the third N: nurturing.

 So these three often unspoken of Ns form a dynamic, a pulse and drive which moves through the relationship, inside and outside.  There are no conflicts between the three Ns, although sometimes when there is a lack of one or the other equally, the imbalance causes turmoil and emotional trauma.

If it is in your nature to be dominant or submissive and you feel the need to express it, but there is no object of affection available, you do not find nurture.  Nurturing is a communicative and shared dynamic or else it is an action that finds no equal reaction, a hunger without food, a thirst without drink.

 The newly-arrived into BDSM or D/s are often confused about these three Ns.  They may feel uneasy or confused about their nature.  Because of societical labeling, some may feel it is even wrong to have such feelings that are their truest nature.  Resolving the dichotomies of the human spirit is rarely easy until we learn to accept the differences as natural, as our individual nature.  How can she, for example, resolve the dichotomy of being outwardly a feminist with having submissive feelings, too?   How can he, instructed by social mores to be “sensitive” and “caring”, to also feel authoritative and confident enough to dominate?  Human beings are not simply on one-track.  They can feel opposing  extreme emotions, house seemingly opposite points of view.  By accepting that these are natural eases the apparent conflict within.   There may be black and white, but we inhabit a balance of grayness for peace of mind and spirit.

 Understanding that, despite how some may judge you, your feeling of need to dominate or submit is not weird or abnormal, or even freaky, provides the first step along the path to accepting that your nature expresses itself as needs.  Do you feel the need to be protected, urged to be a better self, to be a more sensually pleased person?  Do you feel the need to look after someone besides yourself, to lead them to a mutually pleasing and shared relationship, to offer advice and insight where confusion or indecision lurk? 

 The dynamics of a BDSM or D/s relationship should provide the nurturing required for the shared pleasures and growth of that relationship.  Natures of dominance and submission complement each other and form a balance or shared exchange between the two.  Needs are expressed and, when the needs are met and satisfied, nurturing happens.   So examine your relationship and yourselves to see where these three Ns are hidden and how they can best be brought into a more communicative openness and symbiosis.

BDSM Revisited: Detours & Debris

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on May 20, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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The trend these days in BDSM seems to be as Noel Coward sang “Anything Goes” except, of course, when it doesn’t.  Part of this confusion seems to stem from the migration into the lifestyle of vanillas with its never-changing cast of characters: control freak jerks, players, trolls, drama queens, perpetual virgins, well, you get the picture.

 We see guys getting “into the scene” because they have gotten the misinformation that submissives never say no to sex, are easy to manipulate, and as “Doms” or “Masters” they can get away with really bad behavior.  We see women getting into it because they have the mistaken idea that all Doms/Masters are sex gods, will tell them exactly what they ought to be doing, will take care of their every need, and are some kind of superior man to spice up their (mostly non-existent) sex lives.  Sorry to disabuse you, if that’s what you believe, but it’s hardly the truth.

 There is room in the community of BDSM to include a wide variety of folk, this  is true.  From those who just want to play or scene to those who want a fulfilling relationship with someone who complements their particular set of kinks:  Sadists with Masochists, dominants with submissives,  complementive fetishists.   However, some traditionalists resent the incursion of newbies who are essentially clueless, just looking for easy sex,  and basing their expectations and practices on nothing more than fantasies and pornographic fakery.

 Like cultists who rush from one to the next when disappointment settles in and the truth be known, it is likely many of these new sojourners will drop away from BDSM practices whenever burnout strikes, yesterday, today, or some tomorrow.  To them BDSM will be merely another detour on their life path, a sideroad that goes no further than the dead end sign, and they’ll back up and head back to Vanilla Highway 101.  Unfortunately, they may carry with them (as failed conservatives or liberals often do) the “understanding” that it was all a lie to begin with.  Perhaps to them specifically, it was, indeed, a lie, but they were lying to themselves or their motivations were false. 

 BDSM is not about easy sex, not about being excited by whips and chains only when nothing else works, not about being a chauvinist asshole nor a whining victim.   But, in future, we may experience meeting up with people for whom that opinion is their guiding factor.  The “Dom”, for example, who because of his personality (not his inexperience) still cannot “get laid” will, just as in Vanilla Land, think the women involved are bitches, frigid, or lesbians.  The “sub” whose fantasy was never fulfilled, just as it wasn’t in her vanilla life, will continue to think all men are jerks, assholes, and players.  It may even seem ironic, to those of us outside this paradigm, that such false Doms and subs often wind up with experience only with each other, not with people actually in the BDSM lifestyle.

 So, let’s consider what the difference is, in terms of motivation and expectation.   Are you involved or getting involved in BDSM because you must for genuine and sincere fulfillment?   Have you explored the pros and cons and find the pros win every time?  Do you base your relationship expectations on the long-term, always learning and growing, and changing emotional, mental, and physical needs you consistently experience?  Do you realize that while it may be healthy and satisfying to have fantasies, they don’t always have to made manifest in the real world?  Do you know, as a submissive, the difference between being pushed/shoved and being led?  Are you aware, as a Dominant, that respect, compromise, and responsibility are part of the relationship dynamic?

 Here’s a little technique that can help.  Sit down and make a list of what you expect from a BDSM or D/s relationship.  A real list of practical attributes, not fantasies.   If you expect your potential Dominant to be a knight on a white horse to slay your dragons of doubt, shyness, self-recrimination, previous mental, physical, or emotional abuse – cross that off your list.  You have to be, as a submissive, your own knight.  The Dominant can only help keep your armor intact and hand you the right sword.

 If you’re the Dominant, your list shouldn’t include items like “Sex whenever and however I want it”, “The right to do whatever I want with no responsibility”, nor “Someone I can order around like some inferior and low creature”.  But it might include things like “Taking responsible care of another person”, “Providing a stable, dependable basis for respect and mutual pleasure”, and “Being a leader, a guide, a mentor, and a lover”.

 Another thing, an observation that continues to appear in conversations about the relationship dynamics.   In a D/s relationship, particularly, it is the relationship that controls and is the power between the participants.  The Dominant is given power to make choices and decisions, the submissive surrenders power to do so – but the real controller is the dynamic of the relationship itself.  And that’s a good thing to know and accept.

 Oh, and try not to take the detours, but make your own path.  And step over or around any debris you find strewn there.  Someone else has already thrown it away.

Putting the D in D/s

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 13, 2012 by wmcutterblack

     By whatever means it is applied, discipline can be a very personal choice in the D/s relationship.  A Dominant — even a gentlemanly one   comes to expect certain behavior from the submissive.  However the Dominant has set the protocols, he will expect not mere obedience, but forethought by the submissive and certainly an overall respect that is not just passive, but active.

To speak of discipline for many is to consider punishment for misbehavior.  But punishment is an “after the fact” element.  It is used, in my opinion, too often as a standard “tool” in the Dominant’s kitbox.   Usually this can become such a strong element that it is part and parcel of the relationship dynamic.  The submissive does or does not do something and so the Dominant punishes without really considering the whys and wherefores.  The submissive expects the punishment and may even – in some cases – enjoy the application of the punishment.  In that case, it hardly retains the proper definition of “punishment” and slides into the realm of ritual behavior of the dynamic.  Spanking, flogging, whipping, orgasm denial, and so forth drops from punishment to mere foreplay.  The aspect of discipline is lost.

Imposing discipline and maintaining it ensures the relationship dynamic continues as an exercise in power and submission.  Perhaps some need to re-visit the meaning and structure and even the needs for discipline.

The meaning is simple enough.  Discipline is adhering to a code of ethics and behavior.  It is, in the best case scenarios, made to be inherent and instinctual.  If the submissive has second-thoughts about what is expected of them, if they feel they have too many options, the discipline needs to be reiterated to them.  This does not mean that submissives should not think for themselves.  On the contrary, they must.  But disciplined behavior and response within the given set of codes and behavior should prompt them, when faced with that decision of what to do to think/feel, that “I wouldn’t dream of doing/not doing that.”

The more rigid the code and behavior, the easier it may seem for the submissive to stay within the boundaries.  But — again my opinion only – this feeling of proper behavior should not be based on fear of punishment, but on desire to please and honor.  That is part of the covenant between Dominant and submissive.  The Dominant sets the rules, the submissive adheres to them.  This is why it is so important that the rules be good ones and not based in mere cruelty or egoism.

How is discipline achieved and effected?  Firstly, by direct communication.  Discussion between the Dominant and submissive should include the why for the rule.  It cannot simply be “Because I say so”.  The rules and code of behavior should have specific motivations and therefore a mutually understood connotation.  “I want you to do this” is reenforced by “I want you to do this because…”

One further comment I feel compelled to make.  The submissive’s discipline and behavior will also include the “unspoken” commands of pleasing the Dominant.  His pleasure, desires, and well-being must be paramount — apart from safety factors — and the top priority for the submissive.  That requires forethought not mere obedience.  It is also where the submissive may exercise – given permission and not contrary to established protocols – free thinking and behavior.  Therefore it always behooves the submissive to pay close attention to the Dominant’s actions and reactions.  For example, has he commented that he does not like garter belts?  Then the submissive should never wear them without having to be told not to.  Does he prefer a particular position of submission?  Then, gracefully and naturally, that should be the instinctual position adopted by the submissive.  That is part of the discipline which pleases the Dominant without him having to order “Make it so”.

Too many, it would seem, ascribe an utter passivity to submission.  That is a false conception.  Submissives must also be actively submissive in order to please and demonstrate their own discipline.