Archive for submissive

BDSM: Romancing the Dom – Part 1 – Where Are You?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on June 10, 2012 by wmcutterblack

As a submissive, you have your list of all those sterling qualities you want in your Dominant; both inner and outer qualities.  Now, the question is: “Where do I find him/her?”

Well, contrary to popular opinion, online dating or BDSM chat sites on the Internet are not hotbeds of Dominant-submissive real life relationships.  For one thing, you’re more likely to be hit on by the ever-present trolls who aren’t there to find “the One” and spent the rest of their lives with them.  And contrary to popular BDSM erotic romance novelettes, like those by Siren Publishers, the real world doesn’t really have an endless stream of sex clubs at which to find the uber-hunky Dom who can’t resist your innocent and inexperienced. submissive charms.

So, what’s a girl or boy to do?  Sorry, I’m not Cosmopolitan magazine and I don’t have an easy list of “50 Ways to Seduce Your Dom”.  Nor am I going to give advice for long-term, long-distance, cyber Master slavery that will keep you coming back for more.

This is real world.  Not fiction.  Not fantasy.  Let’s get that straight from the beginning.

Where will you find men who are confident, interesting, and probably dominant?  At their pursuits, of course.  And I don’t mean flogging wanna-bes at monthly BDSM munches or the Fetish Night at the Wolf’s Lair or whatever the local hangout is called.  No, your potential Dom might be seen piloting his own sailboat or kayak on a good day in the harbor.  Or musing from painting to painting at a local art gallery or museum exhibit opening.  He might be delivering a keynote presentation on his chosen subject at a conference.  He might be organizing a group of volunteers on a community improvement project.  He might show up at a free classical music concert.  He might be standing in front of you in line at a specialty grocery store.  In other words, you’re not likely to find him at the stereotypical BDSM places, but out in the world doing things that please him and he’ll look like he’s enjoying himself.

“But…” I can hear you saying. “how do I know if he’s a Dom if he’s not doing Dommy stuff?”

Here’s a clue.  He is exactly doing dominant stuff.  In fact, he is so dominant he doesn’t need to wear all the usual leather gear and carry a whip, a handy length of rope, and a well-thumbed copy of “Dominance for Dummies” in his hip pocket.  The key to spotting your potential Dominant is obvious.  Watch his manner and behavior, listen to his voice, check out his body language, notice his wardrobe and personal hygiene.  The same applies if you’re looking for a Dominant woman.  She moves and acts with purpose.  She doesn’t raise her voice to get attention nor does she need to hunt through a massive handbag to find the one item called for.  True dominants are organized, pay attention to how they present themselves in public, and never look confused or panic-stricken.

Oddly, true dominants rarely show up as dominants on the general public radar.  If you think most professional managers are truly dominant you’ve never seen them in a dither when a deadline is approaching or the word has come down from “upstairs” that an “inspection” is due.  If you think that master chef is the cool, confident maître, you haven’t seen him or her fly into a rage when someone spoils the sauce du jour.   True dominants are not the man or woman who in a crisis wince and flinch and wish mommy or daddy was around to save their asses.  Nor are they the ones that when the crap hits the fan gather up some scapegoat or minion to take the blame.  Because if that’s how they act in public, just imagine how they will behave with you in private.

Many submissives claim a degree of shyness, a lack of self-esteem, a life-confusion, doubts and questions that stop their every forward movement, inner and outer.  Submissiveness is their nature, they may say.  They’ll also say “I don’t know about any of those things: sailing or art or gourmet cooking at home or _______”

Did you think your prospective Dom was just going to drop by your place one night and whisk you away to Dreamland?

You have to put yourself in their  environment where you can be noticed.  You can be shy and quiet and subdued all you want, but you have to be there.  And you have to be patient.  Don’t be checking your cellphone every five minutes to make yourself seem “popular”.  Don’t fidget.  Appear self-composed even if butterflies are churning in your stomach.  Don’t let yourself be distracted by every flitting piece of blown litter.  Once spotted doing what they do, focus your attention on the prospective Dominant with glances, not stalker staring.  But seem interested.  Be interested.  True dominants are usually very aware of the world around them.  They will notice you and be watching you back.  That’s how it starts.

 

BDSM: Some Assembly Required

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on June 6, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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No matter whether you are top or bottom, Dominant, submissive, switch, or all of the above, don’t you sometimes feel as if your relationship is being put together using a confusing set of instructions like something from IKEA?  Like that bookcase or table that seems to be missing a piece or two?  It looks all right mostly, but you’re still not confident to put anything heavy on it yet?

No relationship comes ready-made.  They are all and every one a custom job, and it’s easy to think of them as being constructed from a kit with “some assembly required”.

Even if you’re not currently in a relationship, you may find yourself imagining one in which the potential “parts” need some extra finishing touches to comfortably fit together into something whole and practical.  You may also find the instructions are confusing, as if written in a language you aren’t fluent in.  And that’s okay, because the important thing is that you are building it yourself.

If you are in a relationship or not, it’s important to think of the “project” like a craftsman approaches an object to be used and admired.  To look at what you expect the completed project to be like, and then think of the individual pieces you will need, the tools, and the way you want it all to come together.

Sometimes we get both impatient and unrealistic in what we are making with a relationship.  The more the relationship will be “used”, as in a 24/7 kind, obviously the more sturdy and reliable it must be made to be.  The casual hookup or scene can be a little like those styrafoam cups for coffee, used and discarded before it crumples, but the longer term relationship is more like your favorite fired-clay, hand-crafted mug that you return to every morning or evening for a satisfying drink of tea or coffee.  The very feel of it should be comfortable and comforting, the roundness, the strength of the handle, no tell-tale cracks on the surface.

Like anything, once the basic construction is in place, you may begin to think of some fancy additions.  Bits of ornament here, a little embellishment there, just to add the marks of your personal style, and to make it more uniquely yours to enjoy.

What this means in terms of relationship dynamics will often be quite personal.  This is where the original list of “parts” will come in handy and you should – from time to time – look it over to make sure they are all included and still available for “assembly”.  For example, couples with children will have to factor in “personal time” as different from “family time.”  Your relationship “parts” may include special needs, allowances for maintenance and repair, and even replacement of parts that are no longer workable and supportive.

That support will be important, the more “load-bearing” the relationship will become.  One of the challenges facing new relationships, for example, is that each partner will have brought some unrealistic expectations to the project.  The submissive, say, who expects it to be all prancing unicorns and Prince Charming as Dominant, and the newbie Dominant who expects it to be 24/7 blowjobs and no responsibility will have to adjust to the realities of a working relationship where the dynamics can be radically different from the fantasy.

Again, this is where that list of parts plays a significant role in whether the project stands up to hard use or collapses.  There can be few things as shocking and devastating for a submissive than to prepare to kneel and find the floor falling out from under her knees.  Or the Dominant who expects absolute obedience and finds instead a bratty sub who is acting out her frustrations.  We cannot simply presume “it will all come together somehow in the end”.

The basic tools of your relationship, most agree, are trust and strong communication.  I would add passion and compassion,  mature responsibility, and a willingness to commit to the highest ideals and satisfaction to the list.  The individualistc choices for the relationship, such as spanking or no-spanking, bondage or no-bondage, and so forth can be worked out either beforehand or as the relationship deepens and grows  once the basics are in place.  Many relationships can be seen like a DIY home the two are constructing together.  Need an extra “shelf” here or there?  Make sure the walls will support it steadily.  Want to re-do the kitchen?  Make sure you both agree on a color you can live with.

Most of us – no matter what the particulars of a relationship are – will discover that equitable compromises may have to be made, but if the basic construction is solid that can be done with as little emotional upset as possible.  The tools of commitment and communication can make these compromises as easy as changing a lightbulb.

Assembling a relationship can seem daunting, confusing, and scary, but with your list of “parts”, a basic toolkit, and a desired goal in mind, you can do this.  I believe in you.  So should you.

BDSM: The Three Ns

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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Nature, need, and nurture are three invisible Ns hidden within the BDSM lifestyle and relationships.

 It is in the very nature, engrained in the personality and psyche of individuals, whether they are, generally speaking,  dominant or submissive.  They can resist it, for whatever reason, but only seem to find happiness and fulfillment through expressing and living the quality of either dominance or submission.   This nature of the individual drives and supports the second N: need.

 The need to express one quality or the other is inescapable for people in the lifestyle.  And it is best expressed through actions, behaviors,  thoughts, feelings, and communication with and to other people.

When this need is recognized and fulfilled, satisfied, we say the person receives the third N: nurturing.

 So these three often unspoken of Ns form a dynamic, a pulse and drive which moves through the relationship, inside and outside.  There are no conflicts between the three Ns, although sometimes when there is a lack of one or the other equally, the imbalance causes turmoil and emotional trauma.

If it is in your nature to be dominant or submissive and you feel the need to express it, but there is no object of affection available, you do not find nurture.  Nurturing is a communicative and shared dynamic or else it is an action that finds no equal reaction, a hunger without food, a thirst without drink.

 The newly-arrived into BDSM or D/s are often confused about these three Ns.  They may feel uneasy or confused about their nature.  Because of societical labeling, some may feel it is even wrong to have such feelings that are their truest nature.  Resolving the dichotomies of the human spirit is rarely easy until we learn to accept the differences as natural, as our individual nature.  How can she, for example, resolve the dichotomy of being outwardly a feminist with having submissive feelings, too?   How can he, instructed by social mores to be “sensitive” and “caring”, to also feel authoritative and confident enough to dominate?  Human beings are not simply on one-track.  They can feel opposing  extreme emotions, house seemingly opposite points of view.  By accepting that these are natural eases the apparent conflict within.   There may be black and white, but we inhabit a balance of grayness for peace of mind and spirit.

 Understanding that, despite how some may judge you, your feeling of need to dominate or submit is not weird or abnormal, or even freaky, provides the first step along the path to accepting that your nature expresses itself as needs.  Do you feel the need to be protected, urged to be a better self, to be a more sensually pleased person?  Do you feel the need to look after someone besides yourself, to lead them to a mutually pleasing and shared relationship, to offer advice and insight where confusion or indecision lurk? 

 The dynamics of a BDSM or D/s relationship should provide the nurturing required for the shared pleasures and growth of that relationship.  Natures of dominance and submission complement each other and form a balance or shared exchange between the two.  Needs are expressed and, when the needs are met and satisfied, nurturing happens.   So examine your relationship and yourselves to see where these three Ns are hidden and how they can best be brought into a more communicative openness and symbiosis.

BDSM Revisited: Detours & Debris

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on May 20, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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The trend these days in BDSM seems to be as Noel Coward sang “Anything Goes” except, of course, when it doesn’t.  Part of this confusion seems to stem from the migration into the lifestyle of vanillas with its never-changing cast of characters: control freak jerks, players, trolls, drama queens, perpetual virgins, well, you get the picture.

 We see guys getting “into the scene” because they have gotten the misinformation that submissives never say no to sex, are easy to manipulate, and as “Doms” or “Masters” they can get away with really bad behavior.  We see women getting into it because they have the mistaken idea that all Doms/Masters are sex gods, will tell them exactly what they ought to be doing, will take care of their every need, and are some kind of superior man to spice up their (mostly non-existent) sex lives.  Sorry to disabuse you, if that’s what you believe, but it’s hardly the truth.

 There is room in the community of BDSM to include a wide variety of folk, this  is true.  From those who just want to play or scene to those who want a fulfilling relationship with someone who complements their particular set of kinks:  Sadists with Masochists, dominants with submissives,  complementive fetishists.   However, some traditionalists resent the incursion of newbies who are essentially clueless, just looking for easy sex,  and basing their expectations and practices on nothing more than fantasies and pornographic fakery.

 Like cultists who rush from one to the next when disappointment settles in and the truth be known, it is likely many of these new sojourners will drop away from BDSM practices whenever burnout strikes, yesterday, today, or some tomorrow.  To them BDSM will be merely another detour on their life path, a sideroad that goes no further than the dead end sign, and they’ll back up and head back to Vanilla Highway 101.  Unfortunately, they may carry with them (as failed conservatives or liberals often do) the “understanding” that it was all a lie to begin with.  Perhaps to them specifically, it was, indeed, a lie, but they were lying to themselves or their motivations were false. 

 BDSM is not about easy sex, not about being excited by whips and chains only when nothing else works, not about being a chauvinist asshole nor a whining victim.   But, in future, we may experience meeting up with people for whom that opinion is their guiding factor.  The “Dom”, for example, who because of his personality (not his inexperience) still cannot “get laid” will, just as in Vanilla Land, think the women involved are bitches, frigid, or lesbians.  The “sub” whose fantasy was never fulfilled, just as it wasn’t in her vanilla life, will continue to think all men are jerks, assholes, and players.  It may even seem ironic, to those of us outside this paradigm, that such false Doms and subs often wind up with experience only with each other, not with people actually in the BDSM lifestyle.

 So, let’s consider what the difference is, in terms of motivation and expectation.   Are you involved or getting involved in BDSM because you must for genuine and sincere fulfillment?   Have you explored the pros and cons and find the pros win every time?  Do you base your relationship expectations on the long-term, always learning and growing, and changing emotional, mental, and physical needs you consistently experience?  Do you realize that while it may be healthy and satisfying to have fantasies, they don’t always have to made manifest in the real world?  Do you know, as a submissive, the difference between being pushed/shoved and being led?  Are you aware, as a Dominant, that respect, compromise, and responsibility are part of the relationship dynamic?

 Here’s a little technique that can help.  Sit down and make a list of what you expect from a BDSM or D/s relationship.  A real list of practical attributes, not fantasies.   If you expect your potential Dominant to be a knight on a white horse to slay your dragons of doubt, shyness, self-recrimination, previous mental, physical, or emotional abuse – cross that off your list.  You have to be, as a submissive, your own knight.  The Dominant can only help keep your armor intact and hand you the right sword.

 If you’re the Dominant, your list shouldn’t include items like “Sex whenever and however I want it”, “The right to do whatever I want with no responsibility”, nor “Someone I can order around like some inferior and low creature”.  But it might include things like “Taking responsible care of another person”, “Providing a stable, dependable basis for respect and mutual pleasure”, and “Being a leader, a guide, a mentor, and a lover”.

 Another thing, an observation that continues to appear in conversations about the relationship dynamics.   In a D/s relationship, particularly, it is the relationship that controls and is the power between the participants.  The Dominant is given power to make choices and decisions, the submissive surrenders power to do so – but the real controller is the dynamic of the relationship itself.  And that’s a good thing to know and accept.

 Oh, and try not to take the detours, but make your own path.  And step over or around any debris you find strewn there.  Someone else has already thrown it away.

BDSM: Top Gear

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on May 19, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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Yes, the photograph above is misleading because today we’re not talking about the accessories of BDSM, but the interior gear you need for good domination-submissive relationships.  We often see challenges in the relationship dynamic and don’t quite know how to repair or fix the rifts that open up before us.  Communication can break down and things seem to fall apart.  There are a number of good analogies we can apply to the relationship dynamic to make the gear we need seem more apt.

For example, we often see a D/s relationship as a journey.  So how do we travel on this long journey?  On foot, in a car, by rail, ship or airplane.  Speaking of the practical, we wouldn’t just start on the journey without some preparation, knowing the device or machine we use is kitted up and that we also carry along supplies needed.  Yet some people seem to just jump in a car and start driving without checking the fuel gauge, the tire pressure, directions to their destination.  Impulse can be an adjunct to passion, of course, however, for a long journey or a long term relationship, it may be prudent to make sure you know how to drive first.

What kind of interior gear does a Dominant need?  What kind (is it the same?) gear for a submissive?  As with a journey, it helps to know a little at least about where you want to go and what ways there are to get there.

There might not be a user’s manual available, but if you think about the parts of a good working relationship, you can see that some parts are built to last and others will require frequent maintenance.  Stability and consistency are important.  If there is too much stress or friction going on, the smooth running of the dynamic can be problematic.  Emotional control, mature handing of responsibility, erotic creativity, and the management of the power exchanged should be in your inner gear bag.  But you can’t just pop down to the parts shop and pick up a six-pack of these, can you?  They must be hand-crafted by you and fitted properly together to form a whole “vehicle”. 

Neither is there a good map to help guide your path because no one has been down this specific road or relationship before.  One size does not fit all; one size only fits one.  So you will need gear to help you build this new pathway, and it must be built in tandem, the two of you, Dominant and submissive working together. 

The inner gear a top needs begins with confidence and control.  He or she must be able to direct the travelers with as much comfort and security possible.  Dependable leadership skills, knowledge of protocols and acceptable behavior, discipline (both self-regulated and “other” related), a sense of how to develop meaningfulness and reenforce the positive while eliminating the negative are all elements to keep in the gear bag.  And keep them handy, so you don’t have to hunt down those necessary tools when a crisis arises, but know exactly what tool to apply for whatever situation.

It’s not just the action, sexual or otherwise, that requires attention to detail.  It is also the pre-care and after-care.  Tops have learned by experience, for example, that intense scenes or activities deplete the physical body while racheting up the emotional and mental parts.  When an extreme or intense “scene” is over, make sure to have a little snack of food, juice or water available for both the Dominant AND the submissive to replenish the dehydration process.  The more you have sweated out, the more you have to put back in to maintain a healthy balance.  That’s outer gear.  The inner gear is for replenishing the emotional and mental drain of intenseness.  Feeding your emotions and “head” are just as important as the body. 

A lot of misinformation is strewn about regarding Dom-space and sub-space.  Some describe it as a kind of trance or Nirvana.  It can be caused by a kind of drug overdose reaction from the naturally occurring chemicals the body produces after intense activity.  A marathon runner, for example, needs time and effort to “come back down”.  So, too, do Doms and subs.  Again, this is where having a well-stocked inner gear bag works to advantage.Explore, develop, and utilize what works best for you (meditation, music, mental concentration, disassociation, etc.) and keep these techniques and tools available, so you can just dip into your inner gear bag and pull them out to “fix” the situation.

The most efficient mechanics know their tools intimately, almost by instinct.  But in reality, they have trained themselves to recognize a problem and – by experience – know how to make the repair and with what tools.  Tops should take this lesson and make it their own.  In the beginning, you may have to concentrate especially hard to recognize the signs and symptoms of a problem in the relationship dynamic.  Does your sub or bottom seem distracted or emotionally upset?  Determine what has caused this with your inner gear bag diagnostics.  Communicate your knowledge that the problem exists and that you confidently know how to “fix” it.

There will be more to follow on this topic in future postings.  Stay tuned…

 

 

Nella Fantasia (In My Fantasy)

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on May 11, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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You may have heard the song Nella Fantasia (In My Fantasy) sung by many of the classical pop singers, including Sarah Brightman, Il Divo, and Andrea Bocelli, not to mention it seems everyone on any of the Next Idol and “…Got Talent” shows. 

The opening lyrics are: “In my fantasy I see a just world Where everyone lives in peace and honesty I dream of souls that are always free Like a cloud that floats Full of humanity in the depths of the soul.”

BDSM fantasies are rarely so humanist, yet they can be rooted in the depths of the soul despite appearing merely lustful on the surface.  While many people in the lifestyle seek to make their fantasies into reality, we sometimes must step back a moment and consider what then do we replace our fantasies with?

It’s an enigma worth looking into.  On one hand, when the fantasies are played out in reality, they can be disappointingly “less than expected”.  Or conversely “overwhelming”.  Either and both can lead us to extremes.

One of the observable elements, for example, of published erotica is that it has — mostly through marketing — gone to extremes.  The envelopes of BDSM behavior are split open to reveal the more dangerous, callow, and torturous practices, while at another extreme, the romantic notions become more predictable, cliched, and tepid.

Erotica, both graphic and written, is – by nature – a kind of purified non-fiction which appeals to the senses as narrated and exaggerated for effect.  They are – also by nature – narrated and/or depicted fantasies.  As people read/view and absorb this erotica, they can color, positively or negatively, their own fantasies. 

The innovative, the creative, the seekers of new pleasures may incorporate elements of these fantasies into their own imaginings and this begins a projected chain of extremes based upon extremes and so forth until they can lose sight of the reality upon which the fantasy was originally based.

Is it the case, we wonder sometimes, that the fantasy of a stable, caring relationship without doubt or imperfection has transmogrified now into some vision of the woman hanging from chains by her wrists while being beaten with a whip?  Have we so shifted our fantasies to the shallow “actions” of BDSM at the risk of banishing the underlying emotions and passions for the relationship itself?  If we look no deeper than the outward behavior, the “scenes” of either reality or fantasy, are we at risk of losing contact with the motivations?  Crudely and simply put, is it the fuck itself or the desire to do so?

Ideally, of course, it is a combination of both.  If we see every action and reaction as a complete process with intent and motivation, not separate “sound bites” or “clips” of which we are unsure of their meaning, then we have a better sense of context, even of our fantasies.

What is in our fantasies?  What prompts us to have them?  Is it some continuing motivation or just a “quick fix” for the moment?  Do we really want to incorporate spanking, for example, into our erotic imaginings and/or realities or is it merely something we want because “everyone else seems to have one” like a big screen TV or smart phone? 

I ask sometimes “Are we being sold our fantasies by unscrupulous purveyors?”  Are we having our desires and imaginings molded and influenced by advertising or by deeper, personal motivations inside us?  Are we being lead to believe that that new sex toy or extreme sexual practice will fulfill our wants just like the latest model SUV or designer -brand jeans?  And inevitably will we discover we’ve been hoodwinked yet again into buying swamp property that we now cannot re-sell? 

Perhaps it is time, we took a pause in the rush-a-day world, sat down quietly, and assessed what’s in our fantasies and why. 

Obedience and Disappontment

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on May 8, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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Submissives disobey for any number of reasons.  The most familiar is to gain attention, not understanding that the proper Dominant is always aware of what they do, say, think, and feel.  The Dominant is also aware of the submissive’s motivations for such expression.  In this sense, the Dominant demonstrates his control of self and the submissive.  Now no Dominant worth his salt wants a totally docile doormat or a submissive who – through a kind of brainwashing – has lost the ability to think for herself.  Of what use is a clone of the Sir or Master?

That said, a good Dominant also expects obedience along the paths he takes his submissive.  If, for example, she requires a disciplined regime, eating proper foods, getting enough sleep, exercise, and so forth to maintain health, he will expect her neither to question his judgement nor his motivation.  People usually have a very poor sense of their own health and will abuse their bodies in unnecessary ways.

There are many examples in which the Dominant will attempt to “improve” the life of his submissive.  He may recommend widening her sense, knowledge, and experience of the world at large through culture and continuing education.  He may instruct her in physical pleasures, techniques and even attitudes to increase their mutual pleasure.  He may also enhance her own sense of self-worth by reassurances and compliments.  If he is a sophisticate, he will introduce her to a more complimentary fashion style.  In all this, it could be said that he is merely increasing the value of his investment.  And, in a sense, this is true.

Before the submissive may take umbrage, however, consider the investment of time, energy, emotion, thought, and very self that a Dominant does indeed invest.  Consider, too, that whether it is a scene, a play partner, or a dynamic relationship, the Dominant is responsible for the safety, stability, betterment, and well-being of the one under his guidance.  It can be compared, in one sense, to a leader in battle who must consider and make difficult choices instantly to protect both the mission and the soldiers he commands. In such dire circumstances, obedience can mean the difference between life and death.

So, too, can obedience in a D/s relationship mean the difference between life and death if we consider a good relationship to be life and a troubled one which may decay as death.  It is up to the Dominant as well as the submissive to communicate well.  If there is some valid reason for disobedience, then it should be discussed.  If, on the other hand, it is simply bratty behavior to gain attention or a lack of discipline or worse a lack of respect for the Dominant’s decision, that, too, should be discussed in the right manner and at the right time.

A lack of obedience generally is a indication that something has gone wrong in the relationship dynamic.  This can range from anything from the submissive’s realization that she is a switch/domme and wishes to be dominant at times (or at all times) to some influence outside the relationship (economic concerns, family troubles, and so forth).  If it is unusual for the submissive to disobey, the Dominant must probe and question until the underlying reason is determined and then “fix” the situation so the disobedience does not continue.

Without question, there are relationship dynamics in D/s which appear contentious.  The feisty, contrary submissive who asserts what she may think is her own willpower is acting out if that willpower is self-destrucitve and damaging.  The D/s relationship is a super-imposed set of rules and controls to offer stability as well as shared pleasures.  But the rules are not designed to be merely dogmatic and tyrannical ones if the relationship is to continue smoothly.  It may seem a dichotomy to many.  While there must be mutual admiration, desire, and respect, there must also be that agreed upon exchange of power and submission, of advice accepted, and of obedience where it is for the benefit of both.   Otherwise, disappointment will rule and lead to an unsatisfying relationship for both.