Archive for dominance

BDSM: Romancing the Dom – Part 1 – Where Are You?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on June 10, 2012 by wmcutterblack

As a submissive, you have your list of all those sterling qualities you want in your Dominant; both inner and outer qualities.  Now, the question is: “Where do I find him/her?”

Well, contrary to popular opinion, online dating or BDSM chat sites on the Internet are not hotbeds of Dominant-submissive real life relationships.  For one thing, you’re more likely to be hit on by the ever-present trolls who aren’t there to find “the One” and spent the rest of their lives with them.  And contrary to popular BDSM erotic romance novelettes, like those by Siren Publishers, the real world doesn’t really have an endless stream of sex clubs at which to find the uber-hunky Dom who can’t resist your innocent and inexperienced. submissive charms.

So, what’s a girl or boy to do?  Sorry, I’m not Cosmopolitan magazine and I don’t have an easy list of “50 Ways to Seduce Your Dom”.  Nor am I going to give advice for long-term, long-distance, cyber Master slavery that will keep you coming back for more.

This is real world.  Not fiction.  Not fantasy.  Let’s get that straight from the beginning.

Where will you find men who are confident, interesting, and probably dominant?  At their pursuits, of course.  And I don’t mean flogging wanna-bes at monthly BDSM munches or the Fetish Night at the Wolf’s Lair or whatever the local hangout is called.  No, your potential Dom might be seen piloting his own sailboat or kayak on a good day in the harbor.  Or musing from painting to painting at a local art gallery or museum exhibit opening.  He might be delivering a keynote presentation on his chosen subject at a conference.  He might be organizing a group of volunteers on a community improvement project.  He might show up at a free classical music concert.  He might be standing in front of you in line at a specialty grocery store.  In other words, you’re not likely to find him at the stereotypical BDSM places, but out in the world doing things that please him and he’ll look like he’s enjoying himself.

“But…” I can hear you saying. “how do I know if he’s a Dom if he’s not doing Dommy stuff?”

Here’s a clue.  He is exactly doing dominant stuff.  In fact, he is so dominant he doesn’t need to wear all the usual leather gear and carry a whip, a handy length of rope, and a well-thumbed copy of “Dominance for Dummies” in his hip pocket.  The key to spotting your potential Dominant is obvious.  Watch his manner and behavior, listen to his voice, check out his body language, notice his wardrobe and personal hygiene.  The same applies if you’re looking for a Dominant woman.  She moves and acts with purpose.  She doesn’t raise her voice to get attention nor does she need to hunt through a massive handbag to find the one item called for.  True dominants are organized, pay attention to how they present themselves in public, and never look confused or panic-stricken.

Oddly, true dominants rarely show up as dominants on the general public radar.  If you think most professional managers are truly dominant you’ve never seen them in a dither when a deadline is approaching or the word has come down from “upstairs” that an “inspection” is due.  If you think that master chef is the cool, confident maître, you haven’t seen him or her fly into a rage when someone spoils the sauce du jour.   True dominants are not the man or woman who in a crisis wince and flinch and wish mommy or daddy was around to save their asses.  Nor are they the ones that when the crap hits the fan gather up some scapegoat or minion to take the blame.  Because if that’s how they act in public, just imagine how they will behave with you in private.

Many submissives claim a degree of shyness, a lack of self-esteem, a life-confusion, doubts and questions that stop their every forward movement, inner and outer.  Submissiveness is their nature, they may say.  They’ll also say “I don’t know about any of those things: sailing or art or gourmet cooking at home or _______”

Did you think your prospective Dom was just going to drop by your place one night and whisk you away to Dreamland?

You have to put yourself in their  environment where you can be noticed.  You can be shy and quiet and subdued all you want, but you have to be there.  And you have to be patient.  Don’t be checking your cellphone every five minutes to make yourself seem “popular”.  Don’t fidget.  Appear self-composed even if butterflies are churning in your stomach.  Don’t let yourself be distracted by every flitting piece of blown litter.  Once spotted doing what they do, focus your attention on the prospective Dominant with glances, not stalker staring.  But seem interested.  Be interested.  True dominants are usually very aware of the world around them.  They will notice you and be watching you back.  That’s how it starts.

 

BDSM: The Three Ns

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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Nature, need, and nurture are three invisible Ns hidden within the BDSM lifestyle and relationships.

 It is in the very nature, engrained in the personality and psyche of individuals, whether they are, generally speaking,  dominant or submissive.  They can resist it, for whatever reason, but only seem to find happiness and fulfillment through expressing and living the quality of either dominance or submission.   This nature of the individual drives and supports the second N: need.

 The need to express one quality or the other is inescapable for people in the lifestyle.  And it is best expressed through actions, behaviors,  thoughts, feelings, and communication with and to other people.

When this need is recognized and fulfilled, satisfied, we say the person receives the third N: nurturing.

 So these three often unspoken of Ns form a dynamic, a pulse and drive which moves through the relationship, inside and outside.  There are no conflicts between the three Ns, although sometimes when there is a lack of one or the other equally, the imbalance causes turmoil and emotional trauma.

If it is in your nature to be dominant or submissive and you feel the need to express it, but there is no object of affection available, you do not find nurture.  Nurturing is a communicative and shared dynamic or else it is an action that finds no equal reaction, a hunger without food, a thirst without drink.

 The newly-arrived into BDSM or D/s are often confused about these three Ns.  They may feel uneasy or confused about their nature.  Because of societical labeling, some may feel it is even wrong to have such feelings that are their truest nature.  Resolving the dichotomies of the human spirit is rarely easy until we learn to accept the differences as natural, as our individual nature.  How can she, for example, resolve the dichotomy of being outwardly a feminist with having submissive feelings, too?   How can he, instructed by social mores to be “sensitive” and “caring”, to also feel authoritative and confident enough to dominate?  Human beings are not simply on one-track.  They can feel opposing  extreme emotions, house seemingly opposite points of view.  By accepting that these are natural eases the apparent conflict within.   There may be black and white, but we inhabit a balance of grayness for peace of mind and spirit.

 Understanding that, despite how some may judge you, your feeling of need to dominate or submit is not weird or abnormal, or even freaky, provides the first step along the path to accepting that your nature expresses itself as needs.  Do you feel the need to be protected, urged to be a better self, to be a more sensually pleased person?  Do you feel the need to look after someone besides yourself, to lead them to a mutually pleasing and shared relationship, to offer advice and insight where confusion or indecision lurk? 

 The dynamics of a BDSM or D/s relationship should provide the nurturing required for the shared pleasures and growth of that relationship.  Natures of dominance and submission complement each other and form a balance or shared exchange between the two.  Needs are expressed and, when the needs are met and satisfied, nurturing happens.   So examine your relationship and yourselves to see where these three Ns are hidden and how they can best be brought into a more communicative openness and symbiosis.

Reposting an Oldie but Goodie

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on February 1, 2012 by wmcutterblack

These words of wisdom for submissives was written by some unknown person and are frequently seen around the Internet.  They may prove helpful.

Responsibilities of a Submissive 


  1. Never expect to have your Dominant live your life for you. 
  2. Keep up with your own personal self-growth, a Dominant should not have to tell you how to grow, but be a guide on your journey. You are ultimately in charge of taking the right path. 
  3. If you do not live with your Dominant, don’t expect him to know when your bills are due, pay the rent, or solve your drippy faucet problem. (Your Dominant will admire that you took care of it so responsibly!) 
  4. Take care of your health. A Dominant expects a healthy submissive, one who cares about her body and mind. (No, this does not mean you have to be perfect, but you should be fit.) 
  5. Don’t be afraid to let your Dominant know when you are having a bad day. It’s normal and happens to everyone. You should never have to worry that he will not understand, but neither should you make him into your own personal counselor. 
  6. Listen to your gut. Most times, we avoid doing this as usually we are hearing something we would rather not believe, but putting off facing the truth, will only make for a longer, harder road to walk. 
  7. If you don’t feel comfortable talking with your Dominant or a trustworthy friend, keep a journal. Track your own feelings and growth. Stagnancy is a killer. 
  8. Never forget that as you serve your Dominant, you should also feel just as special and treasured in return. D/s is a two way street, you should be getting back as much as your are putting forth. If this is not the case, do not be afraid to journey alone for a time. Submission is not made or broken by having a Dominant. 
  9. Be responsible for your own personal happiness. While our Dominants fulfill all those long unaddressed needs within ourselves to release control, serve to make another happy with our deeds, it does not mean we can stop looking inside, or that happiness is a given. We all make our own happiness, we shouldn’t rely on any other to make it for us. If you are unhappy with yourself, there is really no way you will make a pleasing submissive, for any Dominant worth his salt will recognize it within you. While he can point you in the right direction and accompany you on the road to growth, at the end of the day, you are still in command of your ability to be happy or unhappy. It may not be an easy journey to find happiness, but the end result will always make the effort to grow and evolve a wonderful one.

Kink vs Lifestyle

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on January 31, 2012 by wmcutterblack

As further truth about the diversity factor in BDSM and D/s relationships, we frequently see noobs and even some “veterans” using the term “kink” while others refer to an “alternative lifestyle”.  The lines of definition also blur when referring to mainstream, vanilla, power exchanges, and a host of other terms that seem to free float online and in society.  Kinks, most often, seem to refer to fetishes and yet, the fetishes themselves are seemingly more “preferences” or “explorations” rather then adhering to the clinical definitions.  Clinically-speaking, a fetish is something that you cannot do without to achieve sexual or sensual arousal.  Lifestyle refers to the social practices you engage in as a matter of course.

If, just as an example, you sometimes spank or flog your partner or are spanked/flogged by them, this qualifies as a casual kink, but is not really a fetish IF you don’t require it as a MUST to get aroused.  If you MUST include leather or latex in your life to get aroused, that would be a clinical fetish.  If you, on a daily basis, behave as generally accepted in a D/s relationship, then you’re “in” the lifestyle.  If you sometimes ~ but not always ~ “play around” with power exchange and other times doubt whether you should, you’re probably just “kinky.”  Are we clear about that?

Being true to your nature, your personality, your cravings and needs, will help you self-define where you are in this morass of what is what, even if you switch-up “roles” (i.e. dominant sometimes, submissive other times).  Like gender-based sexuality identities (heterosexual or LBG), BDSM roles are not always “hard-defined” because people are individualistic.  But a good deal of sexual behavior is termed “exploration” these days.  Trying “it” (whatever it is) on to see if it fits you is fine, provided “it” is safe and consensual and can be perhaps a way to “check your kinks”.  A D/s or BDSM lifestyle, however, is far more than just ascertaining if you enjoy slipping into that latex catsuit or not.

firmgrip

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 31, 2012 by wmcutterblack

firmgrip

Why a Firm Grip?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 31, 2012 by wmcutterblack

Quite simply, submissives prefer a firm grip, both physically and metaphorically.  A firm grip demonstrates passion and control.  Now do not misunderstand that control means “control freak”.  That sort of micromanagement is not what Dominance is all about.  On the contrary, micromanagement in D/s relationships often is a cover for insecurity and lack of mature control.

The Art of Dominance (and it should be an Art) includes both the technical skill set and the psychical elements of leadership, mentorship, experiential knowledge, and the ability to earn absolute respect.

It is important to remember that each relationship is unique and organic because each person is a set of different circumstances, experience, and reactions.  Each relationship is organic in the sense that if it does not continually grow, it decays.

Too many Doms (particularly the younger one) do not understand that one of the qualities of a good D/s relationship includes nurturing and attention to the nature of the submissive.  There can be no “one size fits all” despite certain generic protocols that appear universal (i.e. kneeling, honoring the Dominant, pleasure through service, and so forth).

What a firm grip means is that the submissive understands they are protected and strongly desired in the relationship.  There will be, at any point of time, certain questions and doubts which arise from situations and circumstances of life, social intercourse, work, economics, and the natural ups and downs of emotional responses.  A good Dominant demonstrates that they maintain a firm grip ~ as much as possible ~ on these situations, so that the submissive does not feel confused or unstable.

This is one of the reasons we say that a good Dominant is a natural leader, able to control his or her reactions and responses.  They maintain a firm grip on themselves as well as on their submissive.