Domination is Leading the Dance


It’s really no wonder that newbie Dominants seem confused as to what they ought to be doing.  In a way, they are hoisted on their petard, as the saying used to be.  The three main (and extreme) influences on them are:

 Misleading porn vids and photos grabbed in a rush on their iPhones

Post-feminist, post-New Age sensitivity quotes

“How to Score with Women While Remaining a Douchebag” advice column soundbites

 Just a hint: none of the above will prepare you for actually living and acting like a respected, desired Dominant. 

In older times, there were social traditions and activities which naturally bred the quality of dominance, but that was then and this is now.  That said, Dominants can learn through analogies of some of these more traditional methods and styles.

 The image accompanying this post typifies the relationship dynamic of the tango.  The man strongly leads in the dance and the sultry woman follows his cues.   Yes, people used to dance that way, actually holding each other and not moving separately to the beat of their own private drummer.  I could hardly recommend a better example of how the dynamic of a D/s relationship works best than to point to ballroom dancing.  Whether it’s the fiery and passionate tango or the more sophisticated, but equally seductive quick-step waltz, ballroom dancing epitomizes the in-tandem behavior so desired in a good working D/s relationship.  The Dominant partner leads, the submissive one follows.  Easy, right?

 Beginners at ballroom dancing often feel clumsy and awkward, unsure where to step next, where to put their hands and arms, and resisting the urge to just flail about as they might at some rave or dance club.

Flail-dancing lacks the grace and style of a smooth coupled movement.   It’s a grind, not a grounded glide.  It’s a lap dance while the one who should be leading the dance just sits on his chair and takes it.  It’s a pole dance where the eager “other participant” just waves money.  It’s fake porn actress sex and sweaty cheezy guy versus Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly whirling and twirling whomever their particular dancing partner across the floor.  Get the picture?

 Now you don’t have to always wear a tuxedo and have the suave manner of a gentleman to be a good Dominant.  But that portion of the Dominant’s mental self-image mirror should reflect some aspect of that kind of control over the relationship dance.  Clasp your submissive’s fingers, entwine them with your own, place your other hand at the small of their back, just above the buttocks – now urge them to follow you, to trust your sense of direction, rhythm, and pace.

Of course, the submissive can – in this way – sense your strength, confidence, and that you have not just purpose but a vision of where you’re going next.  One of the most common “I need advice” questions voiced by new Dominants is “What do I do next?”.  Because they are basing their concept of dominance on quick porn flashes of scenes, they seem to have difficulty even stringing together these “bits” into a coherent wholeness.  They are trying to apply fast-food ideas to a philosophy and lifestyle.  It defeats the whole dynamic of a D/s relationship to say “I’m going to take you” and follow it up with “Do you want fries with that?”

 Poise with passion.  Smooth transitions with decisive grace.  Firm actions that leave no room for doubt or confusion.  These are qualities a Dominant can attain and perform.  But they must come from inside the mind in cooperation with their feelings.  The more you practice, the more natural they become until they are just instinct.  Lead the dance.


2 Responses to “Domination is Leading the Dance”

  1. Nicely put and I like the tango reference as well

  2. This is beautiful. It makes me long to be lead…

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