BDSM: Top Gear


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Yes, the photograph above is misleading because today we’re not talking about the accessories of BDSM, but the interior gear you need for good domination-submissive relationships.  We often see challenges in the relationship dynamic and don’t quite know how to repair or fix the rifts that open up before us.  Communication can break down and things seem to fall apart.  There are a number of good analogies we can apply to the relationship dynamic to make the gear we need seem more apt.

For example, we often see a D/s relationship as a journey.  So how do we travel on this long journey?  On foot, in a car, by rail, ship or airplane.  Speaking of the practical, we wouldn’t just start on the journey without some preparation, knowing the device or machine we use is kitted up and that we also carry along supplies needed.  Yet some people seem to just jump in a car and start driving without checking the fuel gauge, the tire pressure, directions to their destination.  Impulse can be an adjunct to passion, of course, however, for a long journey or a long term relationship, it may be prudent to make sure you know how to drive first.

What kind of interior gear does a Dominant need?  What kind (is it the same?) gear for a submissive?  As with a journey, it helps to know a little at least about where you want to go and what ways there are to get there.

There might not be a user’s manual available, but if you think about the parts of a good working relationship, you can see that some parts are built to last and others will require frequent maintenance.  Stability and consistency are important.  If there is too much stress or friction going on, the smooth running of the dynamic can be problematic.  Emotional control, mature handing of responsibility, erotic creativity, and the management of the power exchanged should be in your inner gear bag.  But you can’t just pop down to the parts shop and pick up a six-pack of these, can you?  They must be hand-crafted by you and fitted properly together to form a whole “vehicle”. 

Neither is there a good map to help guide your path because no one has been down this specific road or relationship before.  One size does not fit all; one size only fits one.  So you will need gear to help you build this new pathway, and it must be built in tandem, the two of you, Dominant and submissive working together. 

The inner gear a top needs begins with confidence and control.  He or she must be able to direct the travelers with as much comfort and security possible.  Dependable leadership skills, knowledge of protocols and acceptable behavior, discipline (both self-regulated and “other” related), a sense of how to develop meaningfulness and reenforce the positive while eliminating the negative are all elements to keep in the gear bag.  And keep them handy, so you don’t have to hunt down those necessary tools when a crisis arises, but know exactly what tool to apply for whatever situation.

It’s not just the action, sexual or otherwise, that requires attention to detail.  It is also the pre-care and after-care.  Tops have learned by experience, for example, that intense scenes or activities deplete the physical body while racheting up the emotional and mental parts.  When an extreme or intense “scene” is over, make sure to have a little snack of food, juice or water available for both the Dominant AND the submissive to replenish the dehydration process.  The more you have sweated out, the more you have to put back in to maintain a healthy balance.  That’s outer gear.  The inner gear is for replenishing the emotional and mental drain of intenseness.  Feeding your emotions and “head” are just as important as the body. 

A lot of misinformation is strewn about regarding Dom-space and sub-space.  Some describe it as a kind of trance or Nirvana.  It can be caused by a kind of drug overdose reaction from the naturally occurring chemicals the body produces after intense activity.  A marathon runner, for example, needs time and effort to “come back down”.  So, too, do Doms and subs.  Again, this is where having a well-stocked inner gear bag works to advantage.Explore, develop, and utilize what works best for you (meditation, music, mental concentration, disassociation, etc.) and keep these techniques and tools available, so you can just dip into your inner gear bag and pull them out to “fix” the situation.

The most efficient mechanics know their tools intimately, almost by instinct.  But in reality, they have trained themselves to recognize a problem and – by experience – know how to make the repair and with what tools.  Tops should take this lesson and make it their own.  In the beginning, you may have to concentrate especially hard to recognize the signs and symptoms of a problem in the relationship dynamic.  Does your sub or bottom seem distracted or emotionally upset?  Determine what has caused this with your inner gear bag diagnostics.  Communicate your knowledge that the problem exists and that you confidently know how to “fix” it.

There will be more to follow on this topic in future postings.  Stay tuned…

 

 

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