BDSM: Why You’re Getting it All Wrong


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I keep seeing simple cruelty disguised as Sadism and misogyny disguised as dominance.  I don’t understand where these people are getting their ideas.  Dominance is not about who is the best torturer nor is submission about who can be the best victim.

True dominance is a great responsibility and requires an emotionally stable, in-control person to exercise power over other people in a manner of leadership and guidance.  But unfortunately we keep seeing people treat it as if it is a carte-blanche to inflict cruelty as a “right” or merely to demonstrate that “they can do whatever they want”.  That is wrong by any standard of behavior.

On the flip side, we also see submissives and slaves who feel that in order to “please” they must suffer and endure any cruelty their Dominant wishes to inflict.  That’s the equivalent of saying a child must endure the drunken beatings of a father because it pleases him to beat them.  Dominance is not at all about inflicting your whims on the allegedly helpless victim.  It is not about a Dom acting out his frustrations with cruelty and floggers.  Neither is it the dispassionate and cold infliction of pain and humiliation just because you can get away with it.

Partly, I suspect, these activities take place because of immaturity and selfishness.  It has nothing to do really with purely clinical Sadism or Masochism.  There is no need to “re-define” what these terms mean in a “modern context”.  There is no need to “explore” them as a sexual fetish or the latest fad.  Sadism is defined as “requiring the infliction of pain to achieve sexual arousal”.  Requiring.  That means that without inflicting pain, you’re impotent.  Is that really how it is for you?  If not, then you are merely being cruel for some other reason.

Masochism is the other side of that coin.  Again, it means that you require receiving physical pain in order to achieve sexual arousal and climax.  If you can achieve those without receiving pain, you are not a Masochist, you are a victim.  Not a sexual explorer, not a kinky person, a victim.

These psychological conditions – and that is what they are – are not games to be played out.  They are not fetishes or fads you’ve seen exaggerated in pornography.  They can be and are sometimes physically damaging and even, in extreme cases, lethal.

Thrill seekers and mimics are often influenced by exaggerated and false presentations which they believe are true representations.  They display a naïveté and unsophistication and act out what are essentially fantasies as if they are realities. We see this consistently in the “ever-growing BDSM community”.

Those who understand what domination and submission actually are — not the fantasies — try and try again to educate the novices.  We offer mentorship and advice.  Too often,however, the education and advice are neglected or even dismissed.  But consider — if you are doing something in the wrong way and someone offers to show you other ways which may be more beneficial and productive but you blow it off or insult the advisor, you could be doubly wrong.

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3 Responses to “BDSM: Why You’re Getting it All Wrong”

  1. Fantastic read. Excellent! I’m reblogging it… thank you.

  2. Thanks for a very insightful post. I’ve been asking myself a lot of these kind of questions lately. You have shed some light. Always nice to get out of the dark every once in a while!

    Bisous,
    Dawn

  3. angelquest Says:

    So very well said….

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