Archive for May, 2012

BDSM: Orgasm Play

Posted in Uncategorized on May 25, 2012 by wmcutterblack

Orgasm Play

 

BDSM: Orgasm Play

 

Without question, there are those involved in BDSM and D/s relationships in which sex is not an issue, so neither are orgasms, but for those who do include these elements orgasms can be a peak experience.

Most BDSM folk are familiar with orgasm denial as a play or scene element and know that the longer and stronger the “build up” or foreplay goes on the more intense the eventual orgasm can be.    Private or public orgasms strengthen the bonds between partners and often are the culmination of significant effort on the part of Dominants as a means of both control and pleasure for themselves and their submissives.

But orgasm denial along with forced chastity are only one side of the coin.  Shared, mutual orgasms are another element enhancing the sex between partners.  Not much is said about mutuality in that many BDSM or D/s relationships concentrate on one-way pleasuring by one partner on or to another.  Like sixty-nine or soixante-neuf, it’s not always easy to concentrate on pleasuring or being pleasured while simultaneously having the same done to you.  When successful, however, mutual orgasms, as in vanilla relationships, can be incredibly fulfilling and worth the extra effort.

Bound submissives, for example , with forethought in mind as to positioning, can masturbate,  the Dominant while being penetrated or orally stimulated themselves.  Dominants can also masturbate their partners while being serviced, either manually or with a toy.   And, of course, mutual orgasms can also be achieved in a variety of situations or conditions through penetrative and manually-stimulated sex.

Mutual masturbation is another topic in BDSM and D/s relationships that is not often written about or depicted.  This does not mean it doesn’t occur.

Because BDSM and D/s sexual episodes are often thought of or depicted with accessories and fetish items included, we sometimes lose sight of the power of spontaneity.  And yet, the spontaneous expression of sexual desire leading to mutual satisfaction takes us out of our feeling of routine and often seems “hotter”.  The spontaneous factor, effected at some unexpected time and/or place, adds to the sudden release of adrenaline and endorphins which both Dominants and submissives cite as “prime orgasms”.

While Dominants are most usually the initiators of sexual activity, certainly – without necessarily topping from the bottom – submissives can signal in a variety of ways their immediate want for sex.

Unless expressively forbidden, provocative posturing, clothing, ambient arrangement, mood music, texting or emails. Hand-written notes, etc. are tools for the submissive to indicate their desires to the Dominant.

Creative thinking is the key to enhancing and affecting mutual orgasms just as it is for planning out periods of orgasm denial or other orgasm play.  Let your imagination be your guide to the potential pleasures.

Domination is Leading the Dance

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 24, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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It’s really no wonder that newbie Dominants seem confused as to what they ought to be doing.  In a way, they are hoisted on their petard, as the saying used to be.  The three main (and extreme) influences on them are:

 Misleading porn vids and photos grabbed in a rush on their iPhones

Post-feminist, post-New Age sensitivity quotes

“How to Score with Women While Remaining a Douchebag” advice column soundbites

 Just a hint: none of the above will prepare you for actually living and acting like a respected, desired Dominant. 

In older times, there were social traditions and activities which naturally bred the quality of dominance, but that was then and this is now.  That said, Dominants can learn through analogies of some of these more traditional methods and styles.

 The image accompanying this post typifies the relationship dynamic of the tango.  The man strongly leads in the dance and the sultry woman follows his cues.   Yes, people used to dance that way, actually holding each other and not moving separately to the beat of their own private drummer.  I could hardly recommend a better example of how the dynamic of a D/s relationship works best than to point to ballroom dancing.  Whether it’s the fiery and passionate tango or the more sophisticated, but equally seductive quick-step waltz, ballroom dancing epitomizes the in-tandem behavior so desired in a good working D/s relationship.  The Dominant partner leads, the submissive one follows.  Easy, right?

 Beginners at ballroom dancing often feel clumsy and awkward, unsure where to step next, where to put their hands and arms, and resisting the urge to just flail about as they might at some rave or dance club.

Flail-dancing lacks the grace and style of a smooth coupled movement.   It’s a grind, not a grounded glide.  It’s a lap dance while the one who should be leading the dance just sits on his chair and takes it.  It’s a pole dance where the eager “other participant” just waves money.  It’s fake porn actress sex and sweaty cheezy guy versus Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly whirling and twirling whomever their particular dancing partner across the floor.  Get the picture?

 Now you don’t have to always wear a tuxedo and have the suave manner of a gentleman to be a good Dominant.  But that portion of the Dominant’s mental self-image mirror should reflect some aspect of that kind of control over the relationship dance.  Clasp your submissive’s fingers, entwine them with your own, place your other hand at the small of their back, just above the buttocks – now urge them to follow you, to trust your sense of direction, rhythm, and pace.

Of course, the submissive can – in this way – sense your strength, confidence, and that you have not just purpose but a vision of where you’re going next.  One of the most common “I need advice” questions voiced by new Dominants is “What do I do next?”.  Because they are basing their concept of dominance on quick porn flashes of scenes, they seem to have difficulty even stringing together these “bits” into a coherent wholeness.  They are trying to apply fast-food ideas to a philosophy and lifestyle.  It defeats the whole dynamic of a D/s relationship to say “I’m going to take you” and follow it up with “Do you want fries with that?”

 Poise with passion.  Smooth transitions with decisive grace.  Firm actions that leave no room for doubt or confusion.  These are qualities a Dominant can attain and perform.  But they must come from inside the mind in cooperation with their feelings.  The more you practice, the more natural they become until they are just instinct.  Lead the dance.

BDSM: The Other Bondage

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on May 23, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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Bondage has two similar meanings and yet we rarely talk about the other bondage that takes place in a relationship.  Mostly, especially in BDSM dynamics, we think of bondage as tying someone up or down or the use of some other form of restraint.  This exterior bondage forms a strong part of the expressed imagery of D/s.  Restraint can be erotic.  Symbolically it means a submissive is physically under the control of the Dominant and has the trust that she will not be abused in that condition.

 The other meaning of bondage is less visible.  Like its counterpart, it means binding or bonding, but by it, we mean instead the emotional bondage that is also a strong part, if not the strongest part, of the relationship dynamic.  This type of bondage may express itself right from the beginning of the relationship or develop through the actions of the partners.  Unlike physical bondage, this emotional form usually increases in strength the more time the partners spend together.  Symbolically, the more time invested, the stronger and more lasting this bondage grows.

 Routine protocols can reinforce this kind of bondage through sheer repetition.  The Dominant and submissive bond through the dynamic processes of the relationship.  While displays of affection will vary from relationship to relationship, nevertheless, they are the outward expressions of strong passions and emotional attachment between the partners.  Even simple gestures like the kneeling of the submissive and the Dominant’s caress of the submissive’s cheek or hair result in a stronger emotional  bondage between the two, but the impact can be lost by thinking of these gestures just in terms of established protocol.

Emotional bondage or bonding is a continual process throughout the relationship, no matter how it is expressed.  By arranging situations where the bonding strengthens, both partners demonstrate their commitment.   When a submissive, for example, writes a daily journal, diary entry, or report for her Dominant, she connects through that other form of bondage in ways the rope tying or restraint cannot.  While Dominants often seem not to express the inner emotional bondage, they, too, demonstrate it by their concern, attention, care, and the particular dynamic they choose in the relationship, whether it be protective, sexual passion, emphasizing ownership, or some other form of expression.

 Creating personalized rituals such as oaths of surrender and ownership again show this other kind of bondage at work.  When the Dominant asks “To whom do you belong?” a powerful bonding message is sent to the submissive, just as when she answers “I belong to you.”  It can be seen that such rituals and protocols can be simple or more complex, such as when other symbolic elements are added.  Candlelight, incense, ambient lighting, particular clothing (or lack of), fetish items, “mood” music, and so forth can add to the performance of the ritual and enhance the feelings of the bonding itself.

 Examine the rituals and protocols, the gestures, and other outward expressions of your own relationship dynamics to see where this inner and shared bondage is taking place.  It may surprise you how tightly you are bound to each other.

BDSM: The Three Ns

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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Nature, need, and nurture are three invisible Ns hidden within the BDSM lifestyle and relationships.

 It is in the very nature, engrained in the personality and psyche of individuals, whether they are, generally speaking,  dominant or submissive.  They can resist it, for whatever reason, but only seem to find happiness and fulfillment through expressing and living the quality of either dominance or submission.   This nature of the individual drives and supports the second N: need.

 The need to express one quality or the other is inescapable for people in the lifestyle.  And it is best expressed through actions, behaviors,  thoughts, feelings, and communication with and to other people.

When this need is recognized and fulfilled, satisfied, we say the person receives the third N: nurturing.

 So these three often unspoken of Ns form a dynamic, a pulse and drive which moves through the relationship, inside and outside.  There are no conflicts between the three Ns, although sometimes when there is a lack of one or the other equally, the imbalance causes turmoil and emotional trauma.

If it is in your nature to be dominant or submissive and you feel the need to express it, but there is no object of affection available, you do not find nurture.  Nurturing is a communicative and shared dynamic or else it is an action that finds no equal reaction, a hunger without food, a thirst without drink.

 The newly-arrived into BDSM or D/s are often confused about these three Ns.  They may feel uneasy or confused about their nature.  Because of societical labeling, some may feel it is even wrong to have such feelings that are their truest nature.  Resolving the dichotomies of the human spirit is rarely easy until we learn to accept the differences as natural, as our individual nature.  How can she, for example, resolve the dichotomy of being outwardly a feminist with having submissive feelings, too?   How can he, instructed by social mores to be “sensitive” and “caring”, to also feel authoritative and confident enough to dominate?  Human beings are not simply on one-track.  They can feel opposing  extreme emotions, house seemingly opposite points of view.  By accepting that these are natural eases the apparent conflict within.   There may be black and white, but we inhabit a balance of grayness for peace of mind and spirit.

 Understanding that, despite how some may judge you, your feeling of need to dominate or submit is not weird or abnormal, or even freaky, provides the first step along the path to accepting that your nature expresses itself as needs.  Do you feel the need to be protected, urged to be a better self, to be a more sensually pleased person?  Do you feel the need to look after someone besides yourself, to lead them to a mutually pleasing and shared relationship, to offer advice and insight where confusion or indecision lurk? 

 The dynamics of a BDSM or D/s relationship should provide the nurturing required for the shared pleasures and growth of that relationship.  Natures of dominance and submission complement each other and form a balance or shared exchange between the two.  Needs are expressed and, when the needs are met and satisfied, nurturing happens.   So examine your relationship and yourselves to see where these three Ns are hidden and how they can best be brought into a more communicative openness and symbiosis.

BDSM Revisited: Detours & Debris

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on May 20, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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The trend these days in BDSM seems to be as Noel Coward sang “Anything Goes” except, of course, when it doesn’t.  Part of this confusion seems to stem from the migration into the lifestyle of vanillas with its never-changing cast of characters: control freak jerks, players, trolls, drama queens, perpetual virgins, well, you get the picture.

 We see guys getting “into the scene” because they have gotten the misinformation that submissives never say no to sex, are easy to manipulate, and as “Doms” or “Masters” they can get away with really bad behavior.  We see women getting into it because they have the mistaken idea that all Doms/Masters are sex gods, will tell them exactly what they ought to be doing, will take care of their every need, and are some kind of superior man to spice up their (mostly non-existent) sex lives.  Sorry to disabuse you, if that’s what you believe, but it’s hardly the truth.

 There is room in the community of BDSM to include a wide variety of folk, this  is true.  From those who just want to play or scene to those who want a fulfilling relationship with someone who complements their particular set of kinks:  Sadists with Masochists, dominants with submissives,  complementive fetishists.   However, some traditionalists resent the incursion of newbies who are essentially clueless, just looking for easy sex,  and basing their expectations and practices on nothing more than fantasies and pornographic fakery.

 Like cultists who rush from one to the next when disappointment settles in and the truth be known, it is likely many of these new sojourners will drop away from BDSM practices whenever burnout strikes, yesterday, today, or some tomorrow.  To them BDSM will be merely another detour on their life path, a sideroad that goes no further than the dead end sign, and they’ll back up and head back to Vanilla Highway 101.  Unfortunately, they may carry with them (as failed conservatives or liberals often do) the “understanding” that it was all a lie to begin with.  Perhaps to them specifically, it was, indeed, a lie, but they were lying to themselves or their motivations were false. 

 BDSM is not about easy sex, not about being excited by whips and chains only when nothing else works, not about being a chauvinist asshole nor a whining victim.   But, in future, we may experience meeting up with people for whom that opinion is their guiding factor.  The “Dom”, for example, who because of his personality (not his inexperience) still cannot “get laid” will, just as in Vanilla Land, think the women involved are bitches, frigid, or lesbians.  The “sub” whose fantasy was never fulfilled, just as it wasn’t in her vanilla life, will continue to think all men are jerks, assholes, and players.  It may even seem ironic, to those of us outside this paradigm, that such false Doms and subs often wind up with experience only with each other, not with people actually in the BDSM lifestyle.

 So, let’s consider what the difference is, in terms of motivation and expectation.   Are you involved or getting involved in BDSM because you must for genuine and sincere fulfillment?   Have you explored the pros and cons and find the pros win every time?  Do you base your relationship expectations on the long-term, always learning and growing, and changing emotional, mental, and physical needs you consistently experience?  Do you realize that while it may be healthy and satisfying to have fantasies, they don’t always have to made manifest in the real world?  Do you know, as a submissive, the difference between being pushed/shoved and being led?  Are you aware, as a Dominant, that respect, compromise, and responsibility are part of the relationship dynamic?

 Here’s a little technique that can help.  Sit down and make a list of what you expect from a BDSM or D/s relationship.  A real list of practical attributes, not fantasies.   If you expect your potential Dominant to be a knight on a white horse to slay your dragons of doubt, shyness, self-recrimination, previous mental, physical, or emotional abuse – cross that off your list.  You have to be, as a submissive, your own knight.  The Dominant can only help keep your armor intact and hand you the right sword.

 If you’re the Dominant, your list shouldn’t include items like “Sex whenever and however I want it”, “The right to do whatever I want with no responsibility”, nor “Someone I can order around like some inferior and low creature”.  But it might include things like “Taking responsible care of another person”, “Providing a stable, dependable basis for respect and mutual pleasure”, and “Being a leader, a guide, a mentor, and a lover”.

 Another thing, an observation that continues to appear in conversations about the relationship dynamics.   In a D/s relationship, particularly, it is the relationship that controls and is the power between the participants.  The Dominant is given power to make choices and decisions, the submissive surrenders power to do so – but the real controller is the dynamic of the relationship itself.  And that’s a good thing to know and accept.

 Oh, and try not to take the detours, but make your own path.  And step over or around any debris you find strewn there.  Someone else has already thrown it away.

BDSM: Top Gear

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on May 19, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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Yes, the photograph above is misleading because today we’re not talking about the accessories of BDSM, but the interior gear you need for good domination-submissive relationships.  We often see challenges in the relationship dynamic and don’t quite know how to repair or fix the rifts that open up before us.  Communication can break down and things seem to fall apart.  There are a number of good analogies we can apply to the relationship dynamic to make the gear we need seem more apt.

For example, we often see a D/s relationship as a journey.  So how do we travel on this long journey?  On foot, in a car, by rail, ship or airplane.  Speaking of the practical, we wouldn’t just start on the journey without some preparation, knowing the device or machine we use is kitted up and that we also carry along supplies needed.  Yet some people seem to just jump in a car and start driving without checking the fuel gauge, the tire pressure, directions to their destination.  Impulse can be an adjunct to passion, of course, however, for a long journey or a long term relationship, it may be prudent to make sure you know how to drive first.

What kind of interior gear does a Dominant need?  What kind (is it the same?) gear for a submissive?  As with a journey, it helps to know a little at least about where you want to go and what ways there are to get there.

There might not be a user’s manual available, but if you think about the parts of a good working relationship, you can see that some parts are built to last and others will require frequent maintenance.  Stability and consistency are important.  If there is too much stress or friction going on, the smooth running of the dynamic can be problematic.  Emotional control, mature handing of responsibility, erotic creativity, and the management of the power exchanged should be in your inner gear bag.  But you can’t just pop down to the parts shop and pick up a six-pack of these, can you?  They must be hand-crafted by you and fitted properly together to form a whole “vehicle”. 

Neither is there a good map to help guide your path because no one has been down this specific road or relationship before.  One size does not fit all; one size only fits one.  So you will need gear to help you build this new pathway, and it must be built in tandem, the two of you, Dominant and submissive working together. 

The inner gear a top needs begins with confidence and control.  He or she must be able to direct the travelers with as much comfort and security possible.  Dependable leadership skills, knowledge of protocols and acceptable behavior, discipline (both self-regulated and “other” related), a sense of how to develop meaningfulness and reenforce the positive while eliminating the negative are all elements to keep in the gear bag.  And keep them handy, so you don’t have to hunt down those necessary tools when a crisis arises, but know exactly what tool to apply for whatever situation.

It’s not just the action, sexual or otherwise, that requires attention to detail.  It is also the pre-care and after-care.  Tops have learned by experience, for example, that intense scenes or activities deplete the physical body while racheting up the emotional and mental parts.  When an extreme or intense “scene” is over, make sure to have a little snack of food, juice or water available for both the Dominant AND the submissive to replenish the dehydration process.  The more you have sweated out, the more you have to put back in to maintain a healthy balance.  That’s outer gear.  The inner gear is for replenishing the emotional and mental drain of intenseness.  Feeding your emotions and “head” are just as important as the body. 

A lot of misinformation is strewn about regarding Dom-space and sub-space.  Some describe it as a kind of trance or Nirvana.  It can be caused by a kind of drug overdose reaction from the naturally occurring chemicals the body produces after intense activity.  A marathon runner, for example, needs time and effort to “come back down”.  So, too, do Doms and subs.  Again, this is where having a well-stocked inner gear bag works to advantage.Explore, develop, and utilize what works best for you (meditation, music, mental concentration, disassociation, etc.) and keep these techniques and tools available, so you can just dip into your inner gear bag and pull them out to “fix” the situation.

The most efficient mechanics know their tools intimately, almost by instinct.  But in reality, they have trained themselves to recognize a problem and – by experience – know how to make the repair and with what tools.  Tops should take this lesson and make it their own.  In the beginning, you may have to concentrate especially hard to recognize the signs and symptoms of a problem in the relationship dynamic.  Does your sub or bottom seem distracted or emotionally upset?  Determine what has caused this with your inner gear bag diagnostics.  Communicate your knowledge that the problem exists and that you confidently know how to “fix” it.

There will be more to follow on this topic in future postings.  Stay tuned…

 

 

Domina: Because Women Dom, too

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 16, 2012 by wmcutterblack

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You know, it’s an amusing thing, the stereotype:  the thigh-high boots, the fishnet stockings, the corset, the riding crop, the smirking smile.  But that’s how some people still think of the dominant woman.  That she’s just stepped from the pages of Leopold Sacher von Masoch’s Venus in Furs and is morphed into the professional Dominatrix to command her slaves to lick her boots.  And possibly, if that’s what floats your boat, you may get it done, but…

The strong dominant woman in reality is something else altogether.  She may be straight, kinky, slightly bent, lesbian or bi-sexual, but the significant thing to know is that she is — for the most part — in control of herself and you.

Likely as not, unless you’re one of her chosen, you’ll never know who is one and who is not.  She rarely fits the stereotypes you imagine: the dominatrix in leather, the strong political or business mogul, the brilliant egoistic professor.  Instead, she might as easily be a housewife, a soldier, a clerical worker, an EM, or any of the thousand and one jobs women fulfill today.  Inside, however, she’d be one of the strongest — emotionally, maturity-wise, mentally, and maybe physically, certainly spiritually — women you’d be privileged to meet.  She has to be.  Her pleasure and yours depend on it.

Dominas or Dommes usually don’t go around advertising their status except in settings where it is appropriate.  For those who are lesbians or bi-sexual, it’s apparent by their demeanor, posture, and attitude who and what they are.  Other women read these signals pretty easily.  For heterosexual Dommes, it may not be quite so apparent because men — even submissive ones — are not always up to speed on recognizing their potential Mistress nor what to do for her when they find her.

The naturally dominant women in my experience do share certain common traits.  Most of them are the same as for naturally dominant men: strong self-confidence, assertive body and verbal language, well-honed leadership skills and so forth.  Unlike many Doms, however, Dominas have a built-in understanding of sensuality and emotional power.  Their variety, of course, depends greatly on the influences and specific personality expression unique to themselves.  Some are motherly, others less so.  Some are playful with the stereotype, acting as imperious and chilled as they can muster but often with that secret amused smile hovering on their lips.  There is also — even among some professionals — an underlying sincere caring for the submissives that can be lacking in male Dominants.

While they may practice some of the usual Domme-sub relationship dynamics (humiliation, groveling, boot licking, body worship, tasking, etc.), many Dommes will consider part of their submissive training to be self-actuated.  They are often less the control-freak or micro-manager than their male counterparts unless they feel it is necessary.  The emotional bonding can be strong in either form of relationship, but it always appears — in my experience — to be more vital in a Domme-sub one.  That is not to infer any weakness, but simply that Dominas don’t feel burdened with constantly re-reproving their macho or manly man status or their gender superiority.  And why would they?

What male submissives expect from a dominant woman will be dealt with in another posting soon  What female submissives gain and appreciate with Dominas is — I believe — a deeper emotional commitment, a more sensual relationship, a more monogamous stability, a bonding on multiple levels, and perhaps a more traditionally domestic dynamic.  That said, as always, your mileage may vary.