Fun, Scene, or Lifestyle: What’s in Your Bag?


I keep noting lots of new subs and Doms asking for advice in terms of “looking for play” “He/She wants me to ______.  What should I do?” and “looking for scene partners”.

I suspect some of these people are from the “hook up” school of relationships which places them squarely opposed to to many others who see whatever aspect of D/s or BDSM they practice.

I remember some years ago when sex toy purveyors started offering “fuzzy handcuffs” and lifestylers said “There goes the neighborhood.”  Then not long afterward, there was a rise in the sales of “velcro collars” and again, with dismay, the old school lifestylers said “WTF!”

It’s understandable that those with deep and lifetime commitments to the BDSM lifestyle will look askance at those who are only in it to temporarily spice up their sex lives, follow the latest sexual fad, or just fun, don’t you think?

Many of those just approaching the resources (online education tools, chat rooms, dating services, Second Life, Fetlife, etc.) without serving the so-called reality apprenticeship for deeper appreciation and expecting instant Dom or sub status will probably drop the lifestyle within a few years simply because some new fad will have replaced it as the “next big thing”.

But I suspect (just as in the vanilla sexual world) there will be those who doggedly hang in without gaining more understanding and wonder why they are disappointed with results.  Such will include the romanticist subs and the predator “Doms”.

While there are loads of resources available to read and research the reality of Dom/sub relationships, some people will not use the resources because it may not be in their true nature to do “homework” or even pay attention to the advice offered, so we see the same “newbie” questions asked over and over.

Of course, some people are not in the lifestyle for sex at all.  They enjoy scening, whether in public or private, often to achieve their own personal goal, whether it be the endorphin rush, sub- or Dom-space “highs”, exhibitionism, service fulfillment, sadism/masochism, fetish play, and so forth.

Committed lifestylers are usually more concerned with relationships, developing the mutual dynamics of long-term partnerships whether they are based in needs met, romantic love, or other elements.

We can hope that not only newbies, but everyone, re-examine what they seek within the various facets of BDSM and D/s and determine if they are just in it for the fun, to scene, or to seek out a committed partner for a mutually satisfying relationship despite the challenges and difficulties that may entail.

The three elements (fun, scene, and lifestyle) are not necessarily incompatible, but if you want one or the other be sure your partners ARE compatible with that.  Too many broken hearts result when a romantically-inclined sub or Dom looking for a long term relationship tries it out with someone who just wants the fun part.  Or whatever combination.  There are also the just-for-fun types who freak out when a deep relationship-seeking sub or Dom/Domme wants more than they are willing to offer.

Find your own balance, whichever way it flows, for the best results.


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