What to Do…what to do…?


You know it amuses me to read on the Reddit BDSM website when men write in proclaiming they are Doms and are asking for advice on what tasks to set for their online subs.  It’s a dark amusement, I admit.

Firstly, it’s because these fellows have so far misunderstood what domination is and their role in it that they see it too much like being a middle manager with a staff they need to keep busy or else they’re not doing their “job.”  What’s up with that?  It’s as skewed an understanding about D/s as thinking you have to be sexually active 24/7 to really be involved in BDSM.

None of the people actually in the lifestyle that I know of feel they need to keep a daily tasks list nor do they believe they have to be flogging, humiliating, punishing, or fucking their sub/slave every minute of every day for the rest of their lives.  It’s utterly unrealistic to think so and yet — and yet, there are still people who think in that stereotypical and stunted manner.

Granted there are always challenges in forging a working D/s relationship even for those for whom it consists of group scenes and casual hookups.  “How do I…?” “When do I…?”  “Should I…?” “Shouldn’t I…?”  are questions that may go through any dominants mind from time to time, but the truest answer to any of these questions should be already known to the dominant or else they are simply “not in the groove.”

To be dominant by nature means you think it, breathe it, demonstrate it as easily as a sub falling to her knees because it “feels right”.  Personally, I have never believed that one can be taught to be dominant or submissive any more than one can be taught to eat when hungry.  Yes, you can learn how to tie bondage knots.  You can learn to better articulate your dominant feelings.  You can invent protocols and rituals for your sub to demonstrate their submissiveness.  BUT you cannot — if it is not in your personality naturally — learn how to be either dominant or submissive.  I say that because by your behavior and reactions, your experiences, your psyche’s attitudes, you are made to be how you are.

There are those who say that we all have within us a bit of dominance and a bit of submission.  While that may or may not be true, most likely you have a preference, an inclination, a satisfying set of reactions and behaviors that define who you are, what you do, and with whom.  You are one or the other and to deny that or to experiment with being the opposite to what you are may be edifying or simply a psychic game you play.

I say, be true to your nature and revel in it.Image

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