Archive for January, 2012

Kink vs Lifestyle

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on January 31, 2012 by wmcutterblack

As further truth about the diversity factor in BDSM and D/s relationships, we frequently see noobs and even some “veterans” using the term “kink” while others refer to an “alternative lifestyle”.  The lines of definition also blur when referring to mainstream, vanilla, power exchanges, and a host of other terms that seem to free float online and in society.  Kinks, most often, seem to refer to fetishes and yet, the fetishes themselves are seemingly more “preferences” or “explorations” rather then adhering to the clinical definitions.  Clinically-speaking, a fetish is something that you cannot do without to achieve sexual or sensual arousal.  Lifestyle refers to the social practices you engage in as a matter of course.

If, just as an example, you sometimes spank or flog your partner or are spanked/flogged by them, this qualifies as a casual kink, but is not really a fetish IF you don’t require it as a MUST to get aroused.  If you MUST include leather or latex in your life to get aroused, that would be a clinical fetish.  If you, on a daily basis, behave as generally accepted in a D/s relationship, then you’re “in” the lifestyle.  If you sometimes ~ but not always ~ “play around” with power exchange and other times doubt whether you should, you’re probably just “kinky.”  Are we clear about that?

Being true to your nature, your personality, your cravings and needs, will help you self-define where you are in this morass of what is what, even if you switch-up “roles” (i.e. dominant sometimes, submissive other times).  Like gender-based sexuality identities (heterosexual or LBG), BDSM roles are not always “hard-defined” because people are individualistic.  But a good deal of sexual behavior is termed “exploration” these days.  Trying “it” (whatever it is) on to see if it fits you is fine, provided “it” is safe and consensual and can be perhaps a way to “check your kinks”.  A D/s or BDSM lifestyle, however, is far more than just ascertaining if you enjoy slipping into that latex catsuit or not.

firmgrip

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 31, 2012 by wmcutterblack

firmgrip

Why a Firm Grip?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 31, 2012 by wmcutterblack

Quite simply, submissives prefer a firm grip, both physically and metaphorically.  A firm grip demonstrates passion and control.  Now do not misunderstand that control means “control freak”.  That sort of micromanagement is not what Dominance is all about.  On the contrary, micromanagement in D/s relationships often is a cover for insecurity and lack of mature control.

The Art of Dominance (and it should be an Art) includes both the technical skill set and the psychical elements of leadership, mentorship, experiential knowledge, and the ability to earn absolute respect.

It is important to remember that each relationship is unique and organic because each person is a set of different circumstances, experience, and reactions.  Each relationship is organic in the sense that if it does not continually grow, it decays.

Too many Doms (particularly the younger one) do not understand that one of the qualities of a good D/s relationship includes nurturing and attention to the nature of the submissive.  There can be no “one size fits all” despite certain generic protocols that appear universal (i.e. kneeling, honoring the Dominant, pleasure through service, and so forth).

What a firm grip means is that the submissive understands they are protected and strongly desired in the relationship.  There will be, at any point of time, certain questions and doubts which arise from situations and circumstances of life, social intercourse, work, economics, and the natural ups and downs of emotional responses.  A good Dominant demonstrates that they maintain a firm grip ~ as much as possible ~ on these situations, so that the submissive does not feel confused or unstable.

This is one of the reasons we say that a good Dominant is a natural leader, able to control his or her reactions and responses.  They maintain a firm grip on themselves as well as on their submissive.

What’s That Mean?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on January 30, 2012 by wmcutterblack

Among the cogniscenti of the BDSM world, I’ve noticed many submissives saying that there aren’t many blogs by Dominants and that of the few there are, most are not regularly updated. While some lifestyle blogs are helpful with information and support, these, too, are rare. This blog will add something to that gathering of commentaries, I trust.

What does it mean to be Dominant or submissive? There are many opinions, guesses, attitudes expressed about this. One of the problems with that is confusion for those seeking “the answer”. I address some of these challenges of definition from knowledge and experience.

Let’s start with one of the most pressing questions: Can someone be taught to be submissive or dominant? Like any subject or behavior, there is “being taught”, “learning”, and natural. You can be taught to play a musical instrument, for example, but unless you also have a “feel” or talent for it, the performance will be mechanical. The same is true for domination or submission. You can go through the outward behavior, the actions, and appear to be one way or the other, but without the depth to support it. Inner exploration is needed as much as practicing the “skill set”. Anyone can tie someone else up, but unless you’re feeling the arousal of the bondage, you’re only “going through the motions”. The opposite is also true. Anyone can be tied up, but unless it gives them pleasure, it’s just acting out.

There are, of course, people to whom dominance and/or submission is as natural as breathing. They like it, love it, crave it, desire it actively. They can’t NOT want to behave in the particular manner. It’s part of them. Part of their personality and psyche. This doesn’t mean they are “perfect” with it, however. Nor does it mean they can articulate how and what they feel is right for them. As in the practice of Zen, it just “is”.

If you follow this blog, in the coming time we spend together, we will explore more and more topics all of which relate to dominance and submission. What it is. What it can be. What it probably is not.

So, welcome…I look forward to your next visit.