A Hiatus and a Change

This will announce a hiatus from being a public blog.  Because WordPress does not allow bloggers to block specific followers and because certain “followers” have been discovered to be using, uncredited I might add, material from my blogs and claiming it as original for their own blogs, I am forced to make this, for the time being, a private blog.  I will be inviting my loyal followers to continue to access A Firm Grip.

It is unfortunate that I must take this action, as part of the point of this blog was to offer the interested public a venue for information and communication exchange.  But, we all know how it goes, that sometimes it only takes a couple of people assholes to fuck it up for everyone.

Thank you to those readers who have followed the blog and look for an invitation to access within a few days.  And to those “followers” who expect an email announcing fresh new material here for your own imitative blogs, fuck you have a nice day.

regards

WmCutterBlack

PS.  If I already have an email address for you, I can send an invitation to access when the blog goes private.  If I don’t have one for you or you wish to be invited to the private edition, contact me at WmCutterBlack@yahoo.com.  Thank you.

BDSM – D/s: Because You’re Mine

One of the most significant differences between strong  D/s relationships and vanilla ones is the prevalent aspect of ownership.  Submissives often cite this as a key emotional feeling associated with their Dominant partners.  It goes without saying the same applies to the dynamics between slaves and Masters/Mistresses.

This status of ownership, of being property, goes back to ancient times when anyone of a certain status owned slaves of one kind or another.  The concept was as prevalent in primitive as in “civilized” societies, from Native American culture to ancient Egypt, from Babylonia and Assyria, to the Celtic tribes, from ancient Greece and Rome to China.  Slaves were captured in war or bought and sold.  Slaves served in every role of society, from the lowliest field worker and house servant to the highest echelons of military and political leadership.  Slaves were physicians, business accountants, managers of estates, lovers.   There are countless historical examples of slaves who willingly followed their Masters and Mistresses in death or whom, when freed, begged to return to their status.

Certainly there are also historical examples of cruelty committed upon slaves, but no more so than similar or the same cruelties committed on spouses and children and captives.   Masters and Mistresses loved slaves and slaves loved their owners.  In most recent history, slavery was looked upon – and continues to be generally looked upon – as human traffic and exploitation.  When focused entirely on the cruelty that is understandable.  However, when looked upon in the renewed tradition of BDSM and D/s relationships, we see (or should see) a different dynamic at play.

It is to the different manners of owners how slavery is perceived.  If a Master or Dominant is , by nature, focused on the cruelty and irresponsibility of ownership — If, in other words, they do not respect the value of and maintain their “property” – they will be regarded by others as not respectable, just as slave owners in days of old were.   While liasons, relationships, and even marriages with owned slaves were considered viable in the past, those who showed them only abuse and cruelty were socially shunned and condemned.  That is often reflected in the BDSM and D/s communities of our own time.

Being possessed, being “owned” in the more modern sense – and where respect and trust are present – gives a submissive or slave a strong sense of being “cared for” and even “enhanced.”  In ancient times, the more learned and skillful a slave was, the more they were valued.  Many tutors and philosophers were purchased slaves and brought high prices in the marketplace.  Education and skill were sought after traits, and that is as it should be with modern slaves as well.  The Dominant who prefers an automaton who robotically carries out his or her will often grows tired of the required “training” and maintenance of such slaves/submissives and when the dynamic is all one-sided seems little different than that of a petty tyrant or micro-manager who fears the slightest whiff of independence.

It is, of course, a fine line between mutual and shared responsibility and mutually independent lives.  The difference is seen in a positive form of co-dependence.  The dynamic of domination and submission, of surrender and responsibility binds the Dom and sub into a cohesive, working and workable whole.  Protocol, accepted rules of behavior, stable dependability can be even more signs of ownership than simple passion and desire.  The roles are both finite and established as well as flexible.  The submissive/slave has their behavior set out and defined as does the Dominant.  Each knows what is expected of them and together – as owner and property – they may deal with life’s challenges and necessities.

Submissives and slaves often speak of their owners in emotional terms which go beyond those used by vanilla husbands and wives or boyfriends/girlfriends.  The bonding, one might say, is more complete and fulfilling.  The trust, respect, and reliability seem stronger, partly because of the definite establishment of who is what and does what.

Dominants may lead their slaves/submissives by various methods: suggestions or commands, depending upon their particular and personal style and circumstances.  For a devoted slave/submissive a suggestion is almost tantamount to a command anyway.  If this will “please the Master”, then it is done.  Bu it is also my belief that part of the relationship dynamic must also take into consideration “what pleases the slave/submissive” and that is too often overlooked or disregarded by inexperienced  Dominants.  If every aspect of the relationship is “All about you” (the Dominant), half of the mutuality is sacrificed on the altar of narcissism and selfishness.  This does not mean a lessening of the dominance, but rather an enhancement of both as well as the relationship itself.

“You are mine,” is a reinforcement of the relationship dynamics in every way and at all times.  It signifies both ownership and desire, both responsibility and guidance, both commitment and role stability.  It is the gift of the slave/submissive to their chosen “owner” and the gift of the Dominant in their choice of whom they accept surrender and service from.

BDSM: Romancing the Dom – Part 1 – Where Are You?

As a submissive, you have your list of all those sterling qualities you want in your Dominant; both inner and outer qualities.  Now, the question is: “Where do I find him/her?”

Well, contrary to popular opinion, online dating or BDSM chat sites on the Internet are not hotbeds of Dominant-submissive real life relationships.  For one thing, you’re more likely to be hit on by the ever-present trolls who aren’t there to find “the One” and spent the rest of their lives with them.  And contrary to popular BDSM erotic romance novelettes, like those by Siren Publishers, the real world doesn’t really have an endless stream of sex clubs at which to find the uber-hunky Dom who can’t resist your innocent and inexperienced. submissive charms.

So, what’s a girl or boy to do?  Sorry, I’m not Cosmopolitan magazine and I don’t have an easy list of “50 Ways to Seduce Your Dom”.  Nor am I going to give advice for long-term, long-distance, cyber Master slavery that will keep you coming back for more.

This is real world.  Not fiction.  Not fantasy.  Let’s get that straight from the beginning.

Where will you find men who are confident, interesting, and probably dominant?  At their pursuits, of course.  And I don’t mean flogging wanna-bes at monthly BDSM munches or the Fetish Night at the Wolf’s Lair or whatever the local hangout is called.  No, your potential Dom might be seen piloting his own sailboat or kayak on a good day in the harbor.  Or musing from painting to painting at a local art gallery or museum exhibit opening.  He might be delivering a keynote presentation on his chosen subject at a conference.  He might be organizing a group of volunteers on a community improvement project.  He might show up at a free classical music concert.  He might be standing in front of you in line at a specialty grocery store.  In other words, you’re not likely to find him at the stereotypical BDSM places, but out in the world doing things that please him and he’ll look like he’s enjoying himself.

“But…” I can hear you saying. “how do I know if he’s a Dom if he’s not doing Dommy stuff?”

Here’s a clue.  He is exactly doing dominant stuff.  In fact, he is so dominant he doesn’t need to wear all the usual leather gear and carry a whip, a handy length of rope, and a well-thumbed copy of “Dominance for Dummies” in his hip pocket.  The key to spotting your potential Dominant is obvious.  Watch his manner and behavior, listen to his voice, check out his body language, notice his wardrobe and personal hygiene.  The same applies if you’re looking for a Dominant woman.  She moves and acts with purpose.  She doesn’t raise her voice to get attention nor does she need to hunt through a massive handbag to find the one item called for.  True dominants are organized, pay attention to how they present themselves in public, and never look confused or panic-stricken.

Oddly, true dominants rarely show up as dominants on the general public radar.  If you think most professional managers are truly dominant you’ve never seen them in a dither when a deadline is approaching or the word has come down from “upstairs” that an “inspection” is due.  If you think that master chef is the cool, confident maître, you haven’t seen him or her fly into a rage when someone spoils the sauce du jour.   True dominants are not the man or woman who in a crisis wince and flinch and wish mommy or daddy was around to save their asses.  Nor are they the ones that when the crap hits the fan gather up some scapegoat or minion to take the blame.  Because if that’s how they act in public, just imagine how they will behave with you in private.

Many submissives claim a degree of shyness, a lack of self-esteem, a life-confusion, doubts and questions that stop their every forward movement, inner and outer.  Submissiveness is their nature, they may say.  They’ll also say “I don’t know about any of those things: sailing or art or gourmet cooking at home or _______”

Did you think your prospective Dom was just going to drop by your place one night and whisk you away to Dreamland?

You have to put yourself in their  environment where you can be noticed.  You can be shy and quiet and subdued all you want, but you have to be there.  And you have to be patient.  Don’t be checking your cellphone every five minutes to make yourself seem “popular”.  Don’t fidget.  Appear self-composed even if butterflies are churning in your stomach.  Don’t let yourself be distracted by every flitting piece of blown litter.  Once spotted doing what they do, focus your attention on the prospective Dominant with glances, not stalker staring.  But seem interested.  Be interested.  True dominants are usually very aware of the world around them.  They will notice you and be watching you back.  That’s how it starts.

 

BDSM: Some “Rules of D/s”

The “10″ Some “Rules of D/s”

The is a re-posting of “some” rules of D/s.  While your mileage may vary, “some” things may apply and others not so much.  The author, so far, is unknown, but obviously had some experience in the lifestyle and someof the advice is very helpful, indeed.

“1. Be Patient

“To the Dominant, I say this: Until you enter into a relationship with a submissive, you have no more right to order him/her around than does anyone else. Give your submissive time to get to know you and what you are like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of Dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom.

“To the submissive, I say this: A potential Dominant will let you know if She or He is interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realisation of your fantasies. Don’t expect your Dominant to be able to turn on like a light switch. The timing must be right for both of you.”

2. Be Humble

“To the Dominant I say this: You may be God’s gift to the world, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunities to show how good you are – and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you claim, the “real you” will show through in a scene. Don’t set yourself up for a failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach.

“To the submissive I say: You may be God’s gift to the world and the most sought after prize in town, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunity to show how good you are. No matter what you claim, the “real you” will show through in a scene. Don’t set yourself up for failure by developing expectations that you know you will never allow a Dominant produce within you.”

3. Be Open

“To the Dominant I say this: Although you are considered to be the teacher in D/s relationship, you can always learn from your submissive, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing, as well, to learn from other Dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours. Try to approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment and discovery. Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal style.

“To the submissive, I say this: You can learn something about SM and about yourself from E/everyone into the scene, no matter how experienced or inexperienced T/they are, or how Dominant or submissive T/they are. D/s- SM is a very personal art, and an “I already know it all” attitude will make you miss valuable SM lessons and experiences, and ignore potentially valuable D/s friends.”

4. Be Honest

“To the Dominant I say this: If you lack experience in an area that your submissive would like to experiment with, be honest about it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern, taking priority over how hot a particular scene is.

“To the submissive, I say this: Don’t be afraid to share your needs and fantasies. Your Dominant expects it. Honesty about your wants, health concerns, and turn-offs is essential to a good scene. Lying or being less than candid can only lead to problems, as the Dominant will base the scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing problems, it can be dangerous.”

5. Be Realistic

“To the Dominant I say this: End the scene with the submissive wanting more, not wishing there had been less. Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys, not just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what is fantasy, and has little to do with what works in practice. Your favourite porno picture books may be stimulating in themselves, but don’t try to imitate them to the last detail.

“To ths submissive, I say this: Your Dominant is human, and even the most experienced have moments of awkwardness and indecision. Don’t call attention to what you perceive as a lapse or error. Know, to, the difference between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and magazines.”

6. Be Sensitive

“To the Dominant I say this: There’s a very fine line between a sensitive, caring Dominant and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing fool. Your scene should be a creative synthesis of the needs and fantasies of both you and your submissive. Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is that Dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that trust.

“To the Submissive I say this: Your scene is a two-way street. It is not just the physical realisation of your prior fantasies. If you want to limit your experience to certain physical and psychological stimulation, then contract with your Dominant ahead of time, but don’t always expect your Dominant to be a puppet in a fantasy play you’ve written in your head. It’s far better to let your Dominant surprise you, to extend your limits, to take you to places you’re never been before. When you trust your Dominant completely, let them know it, and let them guide you into new fantasies.

7. Be Genuine

“To the Dominant I say this: Submissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images or macho stereotypes. Your Dominance enhances your whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life – it is you. Make your submissive fall in love with you, and expect him or her to give him/herself up to you totally. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don’t shirk your responsibility to your submissive or to the creed of Dominants. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the Dominant role – now take it!

“To the submissive I say this:  You have taken this title as you wish to be controlled, directed, owned. This is the whole point. Let your Dominant take you over completely. Don’t coach or second guess or be critical of your Dominant. Exchange information on your special needs before the scene starts, but once it starts be quiet! You have agreed to limitations of your own power. Stay within those limitations. Respect and obey your Dominant and expect punishment if you don’t. Accept it gracefully. Your Dominant has many things to be concerned with, including your safety and what turns you on. Be loyal and dependable and enjoy your role!

8. Be Healthy

“To Y/you both I say: Like any strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants be in top physical and emotional health. The amount Y/you sleep, Y/your eating habits, Y/your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday stress affect Y/your response and endurance during a scene.  Don’t attempt to do SM when your physical or emotional energy is low. If Y/you are unable to accept the responsibilities that entering into a scene requires, then say so. Never hold the O/other to account or in resentment when T/they do this; accept and support the fact that T/they cannot be as demanding or responsive as Y/you would like. Support and aid T/them in returning to a physical or emotional state wherein D/s can be enjoyed by Y/you both in health and happiness.”

9. Communicate

“To Y/you both I say this: Communication is the foundation of a trusting relationship. Never close the door to honest communications between the two of you. Always discuss the essentials when entering into a relationship such as experience, limits, needs, wants, likes and dislikes, health and well-being. Do not assume the other in the relationship is a mind-reader; spell out roles and contracts and rules and agree them. Respect safewords and/or signals. Never close the door to continued communications; set aside times when Y/you can both sit down and discuss things freely and without repercussions.

10 Have Fun

Y/you have B/both earned, and Y/you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from responsible, creative  play.”

~Author Unknown

BDSM: Sensual Domination

One of the new terms that is floating around in the BDSM realm is “Sensual Domination”.  I believe it is a sort of backlash to all the abusive situations that are arising from mis-informed newbies/oldies and the media emphasis on S & M practices as the ne plus ultra.  Women Dominants in particular seem to be knowledgeable about this new form of BDSM and D/s, and rightly so, as women tend to be more aware of sensual pleasures and pleasuring than the general run-of-the-mill male Dominants.

You can read more about Sensual Dominance at the following links: Enjoy!

http://carnaldesires.bb3host.com/viewtopic.php?f=42&t=118

http://www.frombeneaththerose.com/2012/04/contemplating-sensual-dominance.html?zx=e4202eb735a27cb5

http://fortheloveofdominance.blogspot.com/2011/10/submitting-to-sensual.html

http://bmehookups.com/blog/64963/post_668658.html?dcb=bmehookups.com&highid=7639593_46652&medley_confirm18=1&

BOOKS:

BDSM: Some Assembly Required

No matter whether you are top or bottom, Dominant, submissive, switch, or all of the above, don’t you sometimes feel as if your relationship is being put together using a confusing set of instructions like something from IKEA?  Like that bookcase or table that seems to be missing a piece or two?  It looks all right mostly, but you’re still not confident to put anything heavy on it yet?

No relationship comes ready-made.  They are all and every one a custom job, and it’s easy to think of them as being constructed from a kit with “some assembly required”.

Even if you’re not currently in a relationship, you may find yourself imagining one in which the potential “parts” need some extra finishing touches to comfortably fit together into something whole and practical.  You may also find the instructions are confusing, as if written in a language you aren’t fluent in.  And that’s okay, because the important thing is that you are building it yourself.

If you are in a relationship or not, it’s important to think of the “project” like a craftsman approaches an object to be used and admired.  To look at what you expect the completed project to be like, and then think of the individual pieces you will need, the tools, and the way you want it all to come together.

Sometimes we get both impatient and unrealistic in what we are making with a relationship.  The more the relationship will be “used”, as in a 24/7 kind, obviously the more sturdy and reliable it must be made to be.  The casual hookup or scene can be a little like those styrafoam cups for coffee, used and discarded before it crumples, but the longer term relationship is more like your favorite fired-clay, hand-crafted mug that you return to every morning or evening for a satisfying drink of tea or coffee.  The very feel of it should be comfortable and comforting, the roundness, the strength of the handle, no tell-tale cracks on the surface.

Like anything, once the basic construction is in place, you may begin to think of some fancy additions.  Bits of ornament here, a little embellishment there, just to add the marks of your personal style, and to make it more uniquely yours to enjoy.

What this means in terms of relationship dynamics will often be quite personal.  This is where the original list of “parts” will come in handy and you should – from time to time – look it over to make sure they are all included and still available for “assembly”.  For example, couples with children will have to factor in “personal time” as different from “family time.”  Your relationship “parts” may include special needs, allowances for maintenance and repair, and even replacement of parts that are no longer workable and supportive.

That support will be important, the more “load-bearing” the relationship will become.  One of the challenges facing new relationships, for example, is that each partner will have brought some unrealistic expectations to the project.  The submissive, say, who expects it to be all prancing unicorns and Prince Charming as Dominant, and the newbie Dominant who expects it to be 24/7 blowjobs and no responsibility will have to adjust to the realities of a working relationship where the dynamics can be radically different from the fantasy.

Again, this is where that list of parts plays a significant role in whether the project stands up to hard use or collapses.  There can be few things as shocking and devastating for a submissive than to prepare to kneel and find the floor falling out from under her knees.  Or the Dominant who expects absolute obedience and finds instead a bratty sub who is acting out her frustrations.  We cannot simply presume “it will all come together somehow in the end”.

The basic tools of your relationship, most agree, are trust and strong communication.  I would add passion and compassion,  mature responsibility, and a willingness to commit to the highest ideals and satisfaction to the list.  The individualistc choices for the relationship, such as spanking or no-spanking, bondage or no-bondage, and so forth can be worked out either beforehand or as the relationship deepens and grows  once the basics are in place.  Many relationships can be seen like a DIY home the two are constructing together.  Need an extra “shelf” here or there?  Make sure the walls will support it steadily.  Want to re-do the kitchen?  Make sure you both agree on a color you can live with.

Most of us – no matter what the particulars of a relationship are – will discover that equitable compromises may have to be made, but if the basic construction is solid that can be done with as little emotional upset as possible.  The tools of commitment and communication can make these compromises as easy as changing a lightbulb.

Assembling a relationship can seem daunting, confusing, and scary, but with your list of “parts”, a basic toolkit, and a desired goal in mind, you can do this.  I believe in you.  So should you.

D/s: Summer Roleplay

In North America, it’s moving toward summer and that means it’s time to roll out the playbook for hot and humid days and sultry nights.  Being hot and sweaty doesn’t just mean you’re feeling too lazy for sensual and sexual game play.  It may, however, mean you have to adjust and adapt to the moist, warm times.  Safety-wise, it means upping the intake of liquids to prevent dehydration even more than usual.  It also can mean making sure you eat properly despite a potential lack of appetite for heavy meals.  Think fruit in particular, both as a juice and snack food.

Pineapple juice is one of the better options and, if available and you’re not on a strict diet which prevents it, avocado, cocoanut, and dates are excellent, as are bananas.

Role plays for the summer months naturally can include the beach, lots of water, a sun-warmed forest, a lakeside cabin, or even a quick trip to the mountains for those cooler breezes.  Vacations can get pricey these days, however, so you may want to get creative at home.

Ambiance can have a strong effect on what your senses perceive, so creativity can add new dimensions to your sensory input for D/s or BDSM play.  While you may not have room for a private sandbox to imitate the beach, you can create a more tropical setting with a few scavenged palm fronds, some plants, an electric fan (wet a towel or some linen, for example, to drape over the fan to cool the output), and soft comfortable print fabric to cover the furniture.

Tropically-scented candles or incense can also add a refreshing ambient scent to the room where you play.  Island music, ranging from reggae to Hawaiian, also helps set a mood of being away from the inner city.

Setting a slower, more languid pace for play can have the added advantage of stretching out the time spent and not sap your energy quite so quickly when the temperature climbs.  It really doesn’t that much to sensually adjust the settings for summer months.  Remember those palm fronds?  They can be either real or artificial, but either way, take them into the shower, arrange them so they don’t poke you in the eyes, and voila!  When the water is spraying, you’re transported to a palm-fringed tropical waterfall.  Take advantage of the usual bathroom acoustics, too.  The sound of spanks is much more vibrant when the skin is wet and the tile or porcelain of bathrooms can create surround-sound echo effects.

If  you’ve exchanged your leather corset or pants for beachwear and bikinis, you’ve shifted the play scene visually and that affects your thinking and senses.  For night play, you can easily create your own “moonlight” with an inexpensive  paper Chinese lantern or plastic globe light.  Imagine your submissive bound lightly in the near-darkness with softened lounge music in the background and you could be in some secluded resort niche anywhere in the world.  Again, adding the aroma of scented-candles or incense helps keep this mini-getaway special.

Play on the sensory input.  For example, pine-scented incense or candles can take you to the mountain forest, just as patchouli immediately conveys a sense of warm Arabian nights with the pasha and Scherazade’s erotic stories or shades of the Kama Sutra.  For sounds, why not invest in or just download some ambient music or just the sounds themselves of rain or storms or forest birds.  Some of the lounge music from the 1960s, such as performed by Cal Tjader, also include ambient sounds  and can add a twist to the music you usually listen to for scening.

For those who like a bit of rough play, head out to the local thrift shop to pick up some light thin fabric clothing or underwear, such as slips or summer dresses that the Dominant can bare-handed tear or rip off completely in the passion and hunger of summer lust.

Create your own personal scenarios that can range from “the lost tourist and devilish  park ranger” to “sexy couple on the deserted beach”, from  “submissive on vacation and the seductive Dominant” to “island girl and the tribal chief”, from “nude sunbather and horny neighbor” to whatever your imagination prompts.  Summer is almost here and it’s time to get hot!

BDSM: Orgasm Play

 

BDSM: Orgasm Play

 

Without question, there are those involved in BDSM and D/s relationships in which sex is not an issue, so neither are orgasms, but for those who do include these elements orgasms can be a peak experience.

Most BDSM folk are familiar with orgasm denial as a play or scene element and know that the longer and stronger the “build up” or foreplay goes on the more intense the eventual orgasm can be.    Private or public orgasms strengthen the bonds between partners and often are the culmination of significant effort on the part of Dominants as a means of both control and pleasure for themselves and their submissives.

But orgasm denial along with forced chastity are only one side of the coin.  Shared, mutual orgasms are another element enhancing the sex between partners.  Not much is said about mutuality in that many BDSM or D/s relationships concentrate on one-way pleasuring by one partner on or to another.  Like sixty-nine or soixante-neuf, it’s not always easy to concentrate on pleasuring or being pleasured while simultaneously having the same done to you.  When successful, however, mutual orgasms, as in vanilla relationships, can be incredibly fulfilling and worth the extra effort.

Bound submissives, for example , with forethought in mind as to positioning, can masturbate,  the Dominant while being penetrated or orally stimulated themselves.  Dominants can also masturbate their partners while being serviced, either manually or with a toy.   And, of course, mutual orgasms can also be achieved in a variety of situations or conditions through penetrative and manually-stimulated sex.

Mutual masturbation is another topic in BDSM and D/s relationships that is not often written about or depicted.  This does not mean it doesn’t occur.

Because BDSM and D/s sexual episodes are often thought of or depicted with accessories and fetish items included, we sometimes lose sight of the power of spontaneity.  And yet, the spontaneous expression of sexual desire leading to mutual satisfaction takes us out of our feeling of routine and often seems “hotter”.  The spontaneous factor, effected at some unexpected time and/or place, adds to the sudden release of adrenaline and endorphins which both Dominants and submissives cite as “prime orgasms”.

While Dominants are most usually the initiators of sexual activity, certainly – without necessarily topping from the bottom – submissives can signal in a variety of ways their immediate want for sex.

Unless expressively forbidden, provocative posturing, clothing, ambient arrangement, mood music, texting or emails. Hand-written notes, etc. are tools for the submissive to indicate their desires to the Dominant.

Creative thinking is the key to enhancing and affecting mutual orgasms just as it is for planning out periods of orgasm denial or other orgasm play.  Let your imagination be your guide to the potential pleasures.

Domination is Leading the Dance

It’s really no wonder that newbie Dominants seem confused as to what they ought to be doing.  In a way, they are hoisted on their petard, as the saying used to be.  The three main (and extreme) influences on them are:

 Misleading porn vids and photos grabbed in a rush on their iPhones

Post-feminist, post-New Age sensitivity quotes

“How to Score with Women While Remaining a Douchebag” advice column soundbites

 Just a hint: none of the above will prepare you for actually living and acting like a respected, desired Dominant. 

In older times, there were social traditions and activities which naturally bred the quality of dominance, but that was then and this is now.  That said, Dominants can learn through analogies of some of these more traditional methods and styles.

 The image accompanying this post typifies the relationship dynamic of the tango.  The man strongly leads in the dance and the sultry woman follows his cues.   Yes, people used to dance that way, actually holding each other and not moving separately to the beat of their own private drummer.  I could hardly recommend a better example of how the dynamic of a D/s relationship works best than to point to ballroom dancing.  Whether it’s the fiery and passionate tango or the more sophisticated, but equally seductive quick-step waltz, ballroom dancing epitomizes the in-tandem behavior so desired in a good working D/s relationship.  The Dominant partner leads, the submissive one follows.  Easy, right?

 Beginners at ballroom dancing often feel clumsy and awkward, unsure where to step next, where to put their hands and arms, and resisting the urge to just flail about as they might at some rave or dance club.

Flail-dancing lacks the grace and style of a smooth coupled movement.   It’s a grind, not a grounded glide.  It’s a lap dance while the one who should be leading the dance just sits on his chair and takes it.  It’s a pole dance where the eager “other participant” just waves money.  It’s fake porn actress sex and sweaty cheezy guy versus Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly whirling and twirling whomever their particular dancing partner across the floor.  Get the picture?

 Now you don’t have to always wear a tuxedo and have the suave manner of a gentleman to be a good Dominant.  But that portion of the Dominant’s mental self-image mirror should reflect some aspect of that kind of control over the relationship dance.  Clasp your submissive’s fingers, entwine them with your own, place your other hand at the small of their back, just above the buttocks – now urge them to follow you, to trust your sense of direction, rhythm, and pace.

Of course, the submissive can – in this way – sense your strength, confidence, and that you have not just purpose but a vision of where you’re going next.  One of the most common “I need advice” questions voiced by new Dominants is “What do I do next?”.  Because they are basing their concept of dominance on quick porn flashes of scenes, they seem to have difficulty even stringing together these “bits” into a coherent wholeness.  They are trying to apply fast-food ideas to a philosophy and lifestyle.  It defeats the whole dynamic of a D/s relationship to say “I’m going to take you” and follow it up with “Do you want fries with that?”

 Poise with passion.  Smooth transitions with decisive grace.  Firm actions that leave no room for doubt or confusion.  These are qualities a Dominant can attain and perform.  But they must come from inside the mind in cooperation with their feelings.  The more you practice, the more natural they become until they are just instinct.  Lead the dance.

BDSM: The Other Bondage

Bondage has two similar meanings and yet we rarely talk about the other bondage that takes place in a relationship.  Mostly, especially in BDSM dynamics, we think of bondage as tying someone up or down or the use of some other form of restraint.  This exterior bondage forms a strong part of the expressed imagery of D/s.  Restraint can be erotic.  Symbolically it means a submissive is physically under the control of the Dominant and has the trust that she will not be abused in that condition.

 The other meaning of bondage is less visible.  Like its counterpart, it means binding or bonding, but by it, we mean instead the emotional bondage that is also a strong part, if not the strongest part, of the relationship dynamic.  This type of bondage may express itself right from the beginning of the relationship or develop through the actions of the partners.  Unlike physical bondage, this emotional form usually increases in strength the more time the partners spend together.  Symbolically, the more time invested, the stronger and more lasting this bondage grows.

 Routine protocols can reinforce this kind of bondage through sheer repetition.  The Dominant and submissive bond through the dynamic processes of the relationship.  While displays of affection will vary from relationship to relationship, nevertheless, they are the outward expressions of strong passions and emotional attachment between the partners.  Even simple gestures like the kneeling of the submissive and the Dominant’s caress of the submissive’s cheek or hair result in a stronger emotional  bondage between the two, but the impact can be lost by thinking of these gestures just in terms of established protocol.

Emotional bondage or bonding is a continual process throughout the relationship, no matter how it is expressed.  By arranging situations where the bonding strengthens, both partners demonstrate their commitment.   When a submissive, for example, writes a daily journal, diary entry, or report for her Dominant, she connects through that other form of bondage in ways the rope tying or restraint cannot.  While Dominants often seem not to express the inner emotional bondage, they, too, demonstrate it by their concern, attention, care, and the particular dynamic they choose in the relationship, whether it be protective, sexual passion, emphasizing ownership, or some other form of expression.

 Creating personalized rituals such as oaths of surrender and ownership again show this other kind of bondage at work.  When the Dominant asks “To whom do you belong?” a powerful bonding message is sent to the submissive, just as when she answers “I belong to you.”  It can be seen that such rituals and protocols can be simple or more complex, such as when other symbolic elements are added.  Candlelight, incense, ambient lighting, particular clothing (or lack of), fetish items, “mood” music, and so forth can add to the performance of the ritual and enhance the feelings of the bonding itself.

 Examine the rituals and protocols, the gestures, and other outward expressions of your own relationship dynamics to see where this inner and shared bondage is taking place.  It may surprise you how tightly you are bound to each other.